Depression is not my friend

Hi depression.

Only my good and dear (and old…right, friends? Yeah, I'm pointing to P, The Swede, Wisp...and me, too 😉) friends know I struggled with depression for all my life.  I can hide that really well (and most people who have depression hid that, too), but it’s not like I’m sad every moment because I’m not…usually, I’m happy if I’m using my coping mechanisms (and I do).

But damn, this year was rough for me. 

I’m not going to write the details because that is not the point.  Just know, it was bad…really bad.  And when the shit hit the fan, I felt I was falling in a big hole and I can’t climb out. Yeah, I was in trouble.

You see, I tried to use my coping mechanisms.  After my stroke, it was tricky because my coping mechanisms was driving while singing or just write…it was "therapy," so it was hard when I lost that. But I found new coping mechanisms; a new gym (barre...love, love, love it!), hiking and eating healthy.  Plus, I starting to write again (like, on my blog lol) and I can sing a little now (awesome, right? 😊).  So, I tried ALL my coping mechanisms.  But, I was still falling to the hole; I realized I need a new chapter in my life.

I go to therapy and my therapist always has good ideas, so we talked. I talked with friends, too.  Then, I made my plan.  A big thing to help me is move out and get a place for me and my boys (I love my family but is living with them is fucking hard when their philosophy is...umm...interesting...while your philosophy is the opposite), but getting a place is not free. So, I decided to get a job.  I found a vocational rehabilitation program; they help people who has disabilities. I was definitely eligible for the program, so my counselor said let’s start apply for jobs. 

I applied for a job, and guess what? I got it. I think this job is a new fit and I really am excited to work again.  But right now, it…is…TERRIFYING; the training is a little intense and most my co-workers know about my stroke and they are nice, but they don't get it.  I wish people can feel what I can feel with my new job, but they can’t if they didn’t have a stroke.  I’m trying to find my confidence, but it’s still really scary.  But if I want to work and get a place, I have to ride the wave (although it looks like a tsunami) before the beach.  I want to walk on the beach…maybe drink cocktails while walk on the beach, you know…stuff like that 😉. 

So, sorry depression because I won again…and I will win every time.

Failed for 2017

Oh blog...I'm sorry.  I will write soon (hopefully 😉).

Forgiveness

Ooooh poor my blog...I need to write more...

...anyway...

When I was dealing with my divorce, I went to my therapist and I said, "I need to forgive my ex-husband and his family."  I still remembered when we (me and my lawyer and my ex with his cocky annoying lawyer) where at court (ugh, court...I hate hate HATE going to court!).  Saw my ex and saw his face and his eyes; he was so so bitter (and he is still bitter).   My goal is forgiveness but it is not for my ex and his family...at all.  It is for me.  I vowed that I will NOT let the bitterness in me...

...BUT...

Forgiveness is so so so hard...we don't have instructions.  I'm not focusing with my divorce because it is done.  I am focusing for my future and my boys.  My ex and me have boundaries; usually we just use email.  If we have to talk, it is fast and we focusing for our boys...so, it is good.  But the memories are still in my brain.  Yes, I had a stroke but my memories are intact and my memory is really good (damn, right? haha).  Sometimes there is a memory when I am playing with my boys...the memory will stir up, then I will think...and then anger and/or sad.  Yay.  I hate that.

I watched a documentary...about a Auschwitz survivor.  Her name is Eva Kor...she is a twin and she was in Auschwitz.  The Nazis did awful stuff..."Medical Experiments" like: 

• Freezing / Hypothermia
• Genetics
• Infectious Diseases
• Interrogation and Torture
• Killing / Genocide
• High Altitude
• Pharmacological
• Sterilization
• Surgery
• Traumatic Injuries

Nice, right?  So sad, so horrible things...awful awful awful.  Eva went to at court.; the trial was a former death camp clerk.  She said "I forgive you" for the death camp clerk.  What?!?!  She explained, "‘As long as we understand my forgiveness that the victim has a right to be free, you cannot be free from what was done to you unless you remove from your shoulder the daily burden of pain and anger and forgive the Nazis – not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it.  ‘When I talk to survivors, and I say why on earth does my forgiveness hurt you, they have no answers. I guess victims like to have more victims; the bigger the crowd, the better. I don’t understand it.  ‘I don’t forget what they have done to me. But I am not a poor person – I am a victorious woman who has been able to rise above the pain and forgive the Nazis.’ When she approached him before the hearing, she held her arms outstretched towards his – and this most unlikely pair became locked in an embrace."

So, if Eva can forgive, I can too.  I will...not today, but I will.  

Perspective

My family and my friends are so nice, kind, awesome, etc...just good people.  They said, "Julie, you are strong!" or "Julie, you are a hero (to my sons)!"   First, THANK YOU!  Thank you.  But I think I am not (a strong person or a hero).  I did not saying, "Julie, you will a strong person because you want to!"  Nope...my life was saying, "Julie, just do it because you have to."  There was not a choice.  After my stroke it was sad, then moving to Seattle and saw my marriage then crumbled...sigh.  Then my divorce was hell (I'm not lying, I will not divorce again...hell, I don't know if my will married again).  My old life was hard.  BUT I have to, because my sons need me.

Here it is the thing...before my stroke my coping was singing (driving and singing was my therapy), writing (hello blog haha), talking my family and friends.  After my stroke my coping/therapy was shattered.  I can't sing right now...remember my apraxia (my blog)?  I know the lyrics...BUT my silly mouth won't work.  And after my stoke, writing is so, so, so, SO hard.  If my can't talk, forget write (plus spelling is a joke haha).  I was trying to the "half full water glass" but damn, having a stroke is hard...and I was sad (and sometime still sad).  Then, I think moving to Seattle was good...a new slate.  I was so dumb...so, so, so dumb.  I will not what happening all, because it is done.  BUT I will say divorce was not pretty.  Child custody was worse; reading the declarations...the outright lies then defense me, meet the parent evaluator, take the tests, going to court (hate, hate, HATE court!) etc. was HELL.

I was down...it is easy when your life is hard and you say, "I can't do it..I'm done."

Then...yay Netflix...there was a documentary calling "Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State."  It was interesting.  I went to see Dachau (a concentration camp) when I was in Germany (I was fifteen...) ...awful.  So, watch the horror the...wow...crazy. The BAD crazy.  You can think I am cheesy...BUT...watch the awful stuff to the Jews, I think "You know, I am fine!  I'm so happy that I am not a in a concentration camp!"

Now, my sons need me AND I want to a happy life.  And I am.  If you are think the bad stuff, then think your life...life is good, and it works.  Maybe people will says, "Duh, we know."  But perspective is the key for me (and a good therapist haha).  Try if you want to...it will help.

My Life

Good-bye new state

Good-bye new the freeway

Good-bye new friends

Good-bye new house

Middle the states

Middle the freeway

Middle the restaurants

Middle the hotel

Hello old state

Hello old freeway

Hello old friends
Hello old home

Good-bye new family

Hello old family

Good-bye new pain

Hello old peace

good-bye coward

HELLO CONFIDENCE

good-bye hellish chapter

HELLO NEW CHAPTER

...I am happy!!!

My Stroke: Aphasia and Apraxia

My ex-husband wrote (my blog) what happened after my stroke (and thanks Jacob).  I want to write myself now....because my story is not done.

There a stroke group and I go when I can...I love it (thanks Megan and Dr. Kendall!).  We watched a movie called "Aphasia: Hope is a four letter word."  Before I was watching, I think I forget a little...I forget the therapy in the hospital.  But when I was watch the movie, I remembered.  There is a scene...Carl (the man with aphasia) went to a party.  There was a jackass...he yelled to Carl, "Hey Carl, where is your nose?"  And, of course, he doesn't know (and yes, that happened).  I remember sitting in the hospital...and the therapist said, "Julie, where is your nose?"  Guess what?  I didn't know.  I didn't know my body parts.  That was so, so humiliating.  There is aphasia...evil aphasia (ummm, I can say I know my body parts again...phew haha!).

After we moved to Washington, we met Megan.  There was a study in Washington of University.  Megan was my speech therapist for 6 weeks...5 days and 2 hours.  Megan taught to phonics again.  For me, that was awesome!  My speech therapists in Utah was so good, but I was slow.  After working and WORKING with Megan, I was talking better and better (so, so, so happy).  There was a test with the study.  There was weird no-real word...I have to try talk that (hate it! Haha), reading, numbers, and naming pictures.  Naming pictures was frustrating, because there was a lot that I know that name, but my silly mouth.  Like, there was a picture...there was a "treasure."  My brain said, "Oooh, a treasure!"  I tried...again and again...but NOPE.  My mouth was working....silly, dumb, silly mouth.  Thank you, apraxia.  When I was talking to Megan and I seeing a picture I said, "Ugh, it is right there (pointing my forehead) but my mouth is not working!"  Haha that is my life right now.  

So...that is a little my story.  I'm not done, but right now after 2 hours, I got to go ;).  Thank you for reading you want to.  :)

Hi my blog! I miss you!

Well...my hell is done. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No trial, no drama...now, I can write again (haha kinda ;)).  I could write what happen, but who cares?  LOL that's why I go to therapy (YAY therapy!).  ;)  

Freedom is awesome.

1 year ago my life was crazy.  I was shy, anxious, SAD, and not happy.  It is hard still...blah blah stroke blah blah...but now, I am confident and happy...still lonely but I am moving to Utah.  :)  Hi family and friends, I am coming!!!