Cuz it's a Bittersweet...Symphony

So...I haven't really been "in the mood" for blogging lately (I mean, how am I supposed to top my ant story?) but I'm going to give it a go, because I did start this blog as an outlet for my craziness (see my title...) so I'm going to see if it works. Yes.

Anyway, now that I've written that lovely introduction...down to business. Here I am at work...finally finished all my supervisor stuff (listening in on calls, scoring people, coaching, etc.) and checked my e-mail and phone for the first time since I got here. Nothing in my e-mail, but I had a new voicemail on my phone. Turns out it was my new doctor, reminding me of my appointment this Tuesday. His message said he doesn't normally call, but his receptionist had left for the day and had forgotten to give me my reminder call so he was doing it. Weird. I've never known doctors to be willing to do the mundane, clinical work.

This is significant to me because it seems like a positive sign. You see...deep breath, try not to cry...this doctor is an infertility specialist. Um, yeah. I've never met him, I don't know anything about him. All I know is that last Thursday I called my OB/GYN to refill my prescription for fertility drugs because yes, my reproductive system is broken and yes, we've been trying to have a successful pregnancy for over a year now (see my previous posts) and have been...well, unsuccessful (my word choice is astounding, huh?). Anyway, instead of asking me which pharmacy I'd like them to call my prescription into, they gave me the news that my gyno has decided to send me to an infertility specialist because after repeated blood tests and careful monitoring of my cycle, he has concluded that the fertility drugs were doing what they were supposed to and I should be pregnant by now....and I quite obviously am not. So they gave me the number for this new doctor and cheerfully hung up the phone, saying they hoped to see me soon...

...and that pretty much devastated my life for a minute....well, it's more like a few days. Logically (I'm a girl, we can think logically but how we feel is something totally different), I know I shouldn't be super upset about this. I don't know what to expect from this initial appointment, but I figure if a guy can make his entire living out of helping couples have children, then seeing him is going to be the best thing for me. And the closer my appointment gets, the more excited I get...right now I'm going absolutely CRAZY because I'm always the girl with a plan, and right now I have no plan...I NEED to talk to him so I can have some friggin expectations already. But still...I wish I didn't have the need to see him.

So yeah, it made me cry for hours and still has me feeling blue. I'm trying to suck it up, I am. But I am really, really baffled...because I was pregnant before. I got pregnant on the fertility drugs last fall, and I have no idea why it didn't happen this time. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to...I will spare you the details, but believe me, I did it ALL. Every month I was so hopeful, and every month I was disappointed.

And now I'm just mad about it. I was mad when I lost the baby the first time...then I got over it (well, as much as one can get over that...I don't think I will ever truly heal from it). And now I'm pissed off again. I went to my husband's little sister's wedding last week, and in the ceremony they instruct you to "go multiply and replenish the earth." And I just sat there SCREAMING inside my head, "I AM TRYING!!!" So what gives??? I mean...REALLY. I am so tired of hearing that the Lord is just trying me and I need to endure it, that I need to learn something from this, that I need to pray harder, have faith, go to the temple more, etc. I HAVE DONE IT ALL...and here I am...

Sigh. I could go on and on and on about that one. But I'm too tired tonight. It's coming though...if I'm going to be honest and use this blog for the purpose I created it...then I'm going to write about it. I'd be being totally dishonest to myself if I didn't. So there's your heads up.

Ultimately though, I think hearing from the doctor is a good thing. Like I said, what kind of doctor picks up the phone and calls a patient to remind them of their appointment? I've never, EVER seen it...and it brings me hope, because if he isn't too high and mighty to do the mundane clinical work that his receptionist forgot...then he hasn't forgotten what it's like to be a person (some doctors think they're God...admit it, you've all met one...or several), and that's the kind of doctor I want treating me.
Here's to hoping...