Who We REALLY Are (7/4/07)

Tonight's topic is my personal identity (that sounds so selfish, but stick with me here). I've been thinking about it ever since I got in a fight with my family this afternoon at our 4th of July BBQ. My family is pretty jacked up (whose isn't, really...), but you could say that those of us who are still on speaking terms with each other make a typical Mormon family. Kind of. Anyway, we get along pretty well and we were having a good time until the subject of homosexuality came up. And don't ask me how it did, I don't remember. This is a touchy one for me as one of my best friends is gay, and my husband and I like to hang out with him and his boyfriend and consider them good friends of ours. That aside, I also consider myself a pretty open-minded person when it comes to life philosophies and lifestyles, and while I once harbored the sheltered and judgemental view of homosexuality that the majority of Mormons have...well, let's just say I've repented of my judgemental ways and no longer feel that way. I haven't done any research or any of that on homosexuality, all I know is what I've seen and what I feel in my heart.

So the argument was basically my family saying that nobody is born gay and being gay is a choice made based on rebellion, temptation or confusion or WHATEVER, I'm not sure. My argument was that of course people are born gay, and being gay IS a choice, but so is being heterosexual. STRAIGHT PEOPLE CHOOSE TO ACT ON THEIR ATTRACTIONS & GAY PEOPLE CHOOSE TO ACT ON THEIRS. For me, it's that simple. Homosexual attraction is just as real as heterosexual attraction...it's not something people have created in their mind...it's real, and they really feel it. To say otherwise is, to me, absolutely ridiculous. This did not make my family happy. The argument basically peaked when I said that if one of my kids ever tells me he/she is gay, I'm planning to say "Ok, I love you just the same as I always have, thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me." This, of course, led to an onslaught of comments such as "No you wouldn't say that! You'll feel differently when you have your own kids!" and "You'd actually ENCOURAGE that???" I was left to defend myself, which is fine...I can handle myself very well...but I get really tired of how judgemental my family is towards gay people and towards me for defending them. And I REALLY hate how they act like I don't know what I'm talking about...like THEY know what they're talking about, puh-LEASE! I ended by telling my mom that I'd much rather have a gay child than a child who does drugs or sleeps around with anyone like a cheap hooker...or worst of all, a VIOLENT and EVIL child like my own brother who used to beat the living SHIT out of us on a regular basis. She just looked at me for a moment...then said she couldn't blame me for feeling that way. Damn right she can't.

Awkward silence, then change of subject. Fine. I should learn that I can't even begin to get them to even reconsider their views. They don't know any gay people (that they're aware of...I'm sure they know SOMEONE who is gay), they don't spend any real time around gay people, and they are bigoted by a religion that promotes judgement. And I am a Mormon, I'm an active Mormon...I love my religion. However, I am learning that there is a huge difference between what we learn at church and what the gospel teaches us. I have realized that I'm going to spend the rest of my life reminding myself that Mormon culture is NOT what the gospel is. I think my mom gets freaked out that I might leave the church like a couple of my siblings have. I have no desire to do that...I know that the gospel is true. Mormon culture is not true doctrine...it is something created by people not by God. And that's fine...I will work on my personal relationship with God and let the others "do their thing"...it's what I feel Christians should do anyway. I will not blindly follow my bishop, my relief society teachers, or even the general authorities like my family does. We are always being told that we need to find out what things are true for ourselves, so we have to do the legwork. I do believe that there is not always an explanation and that faith is most DEFINITELY required, but I still maintain that following ANYONE blindly is a very poor choice. If my bishop ever told me that gay people are evil and I shouldn't spend time with them, I'd tell him that's a load of bullshit because Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too.

So the conclusion of all this is that I cannot tell my family...my mother in particular...who I really am. And it's not that I won't tell them, it's that they don't want to know. They already look down on me for my views on homosexuality, the fact that I love South Park and that sometimes my husband and I like to skip sacrament meeting and show up at church right when primary starts so we can teach the sunbeams (ok, that probably sounds a bit wacked to anyone unfamiliar with Mormons...). They'd REALLY freak if they knew that curse words are part of my every day vocabulary, I watch R rated movies, I am way more liberal in my political views than they can even imagine, I hate my ward, I refuse to do my visiting teaching and I support gay marriage. And it's not just my family that I hide my views from...it's my in-laws, a lot of my friends, of course my ward, my husband's friends...etc. None of these people want to know who I really am, and I won't tell them. Does that make me a coward? Maybe. I look at it more as me respecting the fact that they are uncomfortable with my life philosophies, so I won't express them while in their presence. If I am directly asked, I try to be as honest as possible so that's the best I can do for now. I'm not going to lie about what I think and how I feel, I'm just not going to offer it or worse, try to shove it down someone else's throat.