Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Forgiveness

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Ooooh poor my blog...I need to write more...

...anyway...

When I was dealing with my divorce, I went to my therapist and I said, "I need to forgive my ex-husband and his family."  I still remembered when we (me and my lawyer and my ex with his cocky annoying lawyer) where at court (ugh, court...I hate hate HATE going to court!).  Saw my ex and saw his face and his eyes; he was so so bitter (and he is still bitter).   My goal is forgiveness but it is not for my ex and his family...at all.  It is for me.  I vowed that I will NOT let the bitterness in me...

...BUT...

Forgiveness is so so so hard...we don't have instructions.  I'm not focusing with my divorce because it is done.  I am focusing for my future and my boys.  My ex and me have boundaries; usually we just use email.  If we have to talk, it is fast and we focusing for our boys...so, it is good.  But the memories are still in my brain.  Yes, I had a stroke but my memories are intact and my memory is really good (damn, right? haha).  Sometimes there is a memory when I am playing with my boys...the memory will stir up, then I will think...and then anger and/or sad.  Yay.  I hate that.

I watched a documentary...about a Auschwitz survivor.  Her name is Eva Kor...she is a twin and she was in Auschwitz.  The Nazis did awful stuff..."Medical Experiments" like: 

  • Freezing / Hypothermia
  • Genetics
  • Infectious Diseases
  • Interrogation and Torture
  • Killing / Genocide
  • High Altitude
  • Pharmacological
  • Sterilization
  • Surgery
  • Traumatic Injuries
Nice, right?  So sad, so horrible things...awful awful awful.  Eva went to at court.; the trial was a former death camp clerk.  She said "I forgive you" for the death camp clerk.  What?!?!  She explained, "‘As long as we understand my forgiveness that the victim has a right to be free, you cannot be free from what was done to you unless you remove from your shoulder the daily burden of pain and anger and forgive the Nazis – not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it.  ‘When I talk to survivors, and I say why on earth does my forgiveness hurt you, they have no answers. I guess victims like to have more victims; the bigger the crowd, the better. I don’t understand it.  ‘I don’t forget what they have done to me. But I am not a poor person – I am a victorious woman who has been able to rise above the pain and forgive the Nazis.’ When she approached him before the hearing, she held her arms outstretched towards his – and this most unlikely pair became locked in an embrace."

So, if Eva can forgive, I can too.  I will...not today, but I will.  

Friday, December 5, 2014

Perspective

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My family and my friends are so nice, kind, awesome, etc...just good people.  They said, "Julie, you are strong!" or "Julie, you are a hero (to my sons)!"   First, THANK YOU!  Thank you.  But I think I am not (a strong person or a hero).  I did not saying, "Julie, you will a strong person because you want to!"  Nope...my life was saying, "Julie, just do it because you have to."  There was not a choice.  After my stroke it was sad, then moving to Seattle and saw my marriage then crumbled...sigh.  Then my divorce was hell (I'm not lying, I will not divorce again...hell, I don't know if my will married again).  My old life was hard.  BUT I have to, because my sons need me.

Here it is the thing...before my stroke my coping was singing (driving and singing was my therapy), writing (hello blog haha), talking my family and friends.  After my stroke my coping/therapy was shattered.  I can't sing right now...remember my apraxia (my blog)?  I know the lyrics...BUT my silly mouth won't work.  And after my stoke, writing is so, so, so, SO hard.  If my can't talk, forget write (plus spelling is a joke haha).  I was trying to the "half full water glass" but damn, having a stroke is hard...and I was sad (and sometime still sad).  Then, I think moving to Seattle was good...a new slate.  I was so dumb...so, so, so dumb.  I will not what happening all, because it is done.  BUT I will say divorce was not pretty.  Child custody was worse; reading the declarations...the outright lies then defense me, meet the parent evaluator, take the tests, going to court (hate, hate, HATE court!) etc. was HELL.

I was down...it is easy when your life is hard and you say, "I can't do it..I'm done."

Then...yay Netflix...there was a documentary calling "Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State."  It was interesting.  I went to see Dachau (a concentration camp) when I was in Germany (I was fifteen...) ...awful.  So, watch the horror the...wow...crazy. The BAD crazy.  You can think I am cheesy...BUT...watch the awful stuff to the Jews, I think "You know, I am fine!  I'm so happy that I am not a in a concentration camp!"

Now, my sons need me AND I want to a happy life.  And I am.  If you are think the bad stuff, then think your life...life is good, and it works.  Maybe people will says, "Duh, we know."  But perspective is the key for me (and a good therapist haha).  Try if you want to...it will help.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

My Life

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Good-bye new state
Good-bye new the freeway
Good-bye new friends
Good-bye new house

Middle the states
Middle the freeway
Middle the restaurants
Middle the hotel

Hello old state
Hello old freeway
Hello old friends
Hello old home

Good-bye new family
Hello old family
Good-bye new pain
Hello old peace

good-bye coward
HELLO CONFIDENCE
good-bye hellish chapter
HELLO NEW CHAPTER

...I am happy!!!


Sunday, August 10, 2014

My Stroke: Aphasia and Apraxia

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My ex-husband wrote (my blog) what happened after my stroke (and thanks Jacob).  I want to write myself now....because my story is not done.

There a stroke group and I go when I can...I love it (thanks Megan and Dr. Kendall!).  We watched a movie called "Aphasia: Hope is a four letter word."  Before I was watching, I think I forget a little...I forget the therapy in the hospital.  But when I was watch the movie, I remembered.  There is a scene...Carl (the man with aphasia) went to a party.  There was a jackass...he yelled to Carl, "Hey Carl, where is your nose?"  And, of course, he doesn't know (and yes, that happened).  I remember sitting in the hospital...and the therapist said, "Julie, where is your nose?"  Guess what?  I didn't know.  I didn't know my body parts.  That was so, so humiliating.  There is aphasia...evil aphasia (ummm, I can say I know my body parts again...phew haha!).

After we moved to Washington, we met Megan.  There was a study in Washington of University.  Megan was my speech therapist for 6 weeks...5 days and 2 hours.  Megan taught to phonics again.  For me, that was awesome!  My speech therapists in Utah was so good, but I was slow.  After working and WORKING with Megan, I was talking better and better (so, so, so happy).  There was a test with the study.  There was weird no-real word...I have to try talk that (hate it! Haha), reading, numbers, and naming pictures.  Naming pictures was frustrating, because there was a lot that I know that name, but my silly mouth.  Like, there was a picture...there was a "treasure."  My brain said, "Oooh, a treasure!"  I tried...again and again...but NOPE.  My mouth was working....silly, dumb, silly mouth.  Thank you, apraxia.  When I was talking to Megan and I seeing a picture I said, "Ugh, it is right there (pointing my forehead) but my mouth is not working!"  Haha that is my life right now.  

So...that is a little my story.  I'm not done, but right now after 2 hours, I got to go ;).  Thank you for reading you want to.  :)

Friday, July 18, 2014

Hi my blog! I miss you!

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Well...my hell is done. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No trial, no drama...now, I can write again (haha kinda ;)).  I could write what happen, but who cares?  LOL that's why I go to therapy (YAY therapy!).  ;)  

Freedom is awesome.

1 year ago my life was crazy.  I was shy, anxious, SAD, and not happy.  It is hard still...blah blah stroke blah blah...but now, I am confident and happy...still lonely but I am moving to Utah.  :)  Hi family and friends, I am coming!!!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Favorite Quote

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(Thanks Karin...)


"Life has no other discipline to impose,
If we would but realize it,
Than to accept life unquestioningly.
Everything we shut our eyes to,
Everything we run away from, everything we deny,
Denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.
What seems nasty, painful, evil,
Can become a source of beauty, joy and strength,
if faced with an open mind.
Every moment is a golden one for him
Who has the vision to recognize is a such."

-Henry Miller


Monday, October 28, 2013

I'm okay.

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I can't talk/write...divorce, court, my hubby, hubby's family, lawyers, drama, etc (well, now right...after I'm divorced...eh, if I want to).

But, I can write that I'm good.  It is hard (STRESS!), but I'm stronger (lol right wisp?  CD...I like it!!).  Before, my hubby was help me...my pills, doctor appointments...really any the talk haha.  That now...ME...I do it.  My pill, my doctor appointments, restaurants, shopping, etc.  Like, I was to the mall...because my phone was old and my bill and my hubby's bills...ANYWAY...so, I said, "Hi, it's hard to talk because my stroke.  Please can you help me?"  He helped me. Yay!!  Also, we go a park all the time...when they play the kids I will go where Moms...we chit chat.  I'm not anxious.  :)

So...divorce is...NOT is my favorite.  But, I'm okay, I'm stronger because I have to...that good! :)