Explanation

Dear friends,

Sorry for writing cryptic posts and vague facebook status updates (for those of you who are friends w/me on facebook...ahem, KAJ...j/k, I know you will never get a facebook page...). My mood has been rapidly shifting from devastated, to pissed as hell, to optimistic, then back to pissed, then devastated, then refocused to optimistic, and so on...and quite frankly, I haven't been able to muster the will to do much of anything other than what I've absolutely had to.

Most of you probably know this by now, but all this is because last week my doctor called and said that there's nothing more he can do AKA it's in vitro time. This was quite a blow; when I first started seeing this doctor in March he assured me he had an entire arsenal of things he would try to assist me in getting pregnant...or that's what I thought he said. What he actually said is that he had an entire arsenal of things to assist me in ovulating, which my body refuses to do on its own. Big difference. But you see, according to my blood tests I am ovulating when I take the fertility drugs, so he's done his job. So while I initially felt completely abandoned by the news, I now at least understand why I'm once again being shipped off to the in vitro man.

There are several things I struggle with regarding this whole thing, such as how is it that I somehow got pregnant before while taking the lowest dose of the fertility drugs, but now I'm on the highest dose and nothing? What could be wrong, since both my husband and I were tested for the obvious problems and came out with perfectly normal results? And mainly, WHY???? Why is is that the one thing I want more than anything in the entire world is the one thing I cannot seem to have?

What I've come to accept, however, is that there are not answers to any of those questions. There's speculation and theories, but there are no answers. It is what it is and I'm out of options. So we're going to try the in vitro...I told Jacob I want to try it once and if it doesn't work, so be it. We can try to adopt in a few years perhaps.

Having said that, if anyone has any information regarding in vitro they could share with me, I'd greatly appreciate it. And for those of you who already have, thank you so much. I promise that while my correspondence as of late has been really bleak and depressing, I am fine. Or rather, I'm determined to be fine and will do what it takes to get there. It just might take a while. I'd also like to say that I am sincerely grateful for all of your support and kind words, because that's what's getting me through this.

Love,
Julie