Depression is not my friend

Hi depression.

Only my good and dear (and old…right, friends? Yeah, I'm pointing to P, The Swede, Wisp...and me, too 😉) friends know I struggled with depression for all my life.  I can hide that really well (and most people who have depression hid that, too), but it’s not like I’m sad every moment because I’m not…usually, I’m happy if I’m using my coping mechanisms (and I do).

But damn, this year was rough for me. 

I’m not going to write the details because that is not the point.  Just know, it was bad…really bad.  And when the shit hit the fan, I felt I was falling in a big hole and I can’t climb out. Yeah, I was in trouble.

You see, I tried to use my coping mechanisms.  After my stroke, it was tricky because my coping mechanisms was driving while singing or just write…it was "therapy," so it was hard when I lost that. But I found new coping mechanisms; a new gym (barre...love, love, love it!), hiking and eating healthy.  Plus, I starting to write again (like, on my blog lol) and I can sing a little now (awesome, right? 😊).  So, I tried ALL my coping mechanisms.  But, I was still falling to the hole; I realized I need a new chapter in my life.

I go to therapy and my therapist always has good ideas, so we talked. I talked with friends, too.  Then, I made my plan.  A big thing to help me is move out and get a place for me and my boys (I love my family but is living with them is fucking hard when their philosophy is...umm...interesting...while your philosophy is the opposite), but getting a place is not free. So, I decided to get a job.  I found a vocational rehabilitation program; they help people who has disabilities. I was definitely eligible for the program, so my counselor said let’s start apply for jobs. 

I applied for a job, and guess what? I got it. I think this job is a new fit and I really am excited to work again.  But right now, it…is…TERRIFYING; the training is a little intense and most my co-workers know about my stroke and they are nice, but they don't get it.  I wish people can feel what I can feel with my new job, but they can’t if they didn’t have a stroke.  I’m trying to find my confidence, but it’s still really scary.  But if I want to work and get a place, I have to ride the wave (although it looks like a tsunami) before the beach.  I want to walk on the beach…maybe drink cocktails while walk on the beach, you know…stuff like that 😉. 

So, sorry depression because I won again…and I will win every time.