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Hello friends. I feel like I should have a picture for this post...because posts are more fun to read when they have pictures.So here you go:


Yes, that about describes how I feel right now. Not because of anything in particular, except I have a lot on my mind and I am SUPER tired. I couldn't decide what I wanted to write about tonight, so I think I will just dump what's on my mind...

I went to the hospital on Tuesday to have what I now refer to as the "Horribly Hellish HSG Test." I shouldn't say that, because I'd go through it again and a whole lot more if it meant being able to finally start our family. Honestly though, WOW did that hurt! I will spare you the gory details...but for my female readers, picture your most awful menstrual cramp and multiply that pain by like, 10. YEAH. And I've learned that when I go in for these things, I should never have any type of expectations as far as the results go. Jacob's sperm test came back good...and the results of this test were no different. I don't have any blockages in my tubes and my uterus is a "beautiful shape" according to the doc. So everything looked good and "perfectly normal." Part of me was totally relieved, another totally dismayed...what is the deal with this infertility crud? I really thought there must be SOMETHING blocked in there. Grrrr. I just want to be able to find the cause so I can fix this. But I'm starting to realize that might not ever happen, because every time I think I've got it figured out, I'm totally wrong. Anyway, the nurse did tell me that that test is also used as a "cleaning procedure." I guess sometimes there are some cells or mucus (sorry, that's so gross) or whatever that is sometimes left/deposited/whatever at the end of the tubes where the eggs are supposed to come in, so the eggs can't get through. This procedure cleans all that out, if there's anything. I'd like to think that's what happened, because it's an easy fix and assuming I can get the doc to put me back on the drugs so I actually ovulate, it should be good. But I'm not expecting anything, and I don't really know what to do at this point. I think I'm going to hang out for a few weeks and see how I feel. I'm pretty overwhelmed and frustrated at this point...

We have Jacob's little bro staying w/us for the next 2 weeks. He's a really good kid, and although he can be a total pain in the ass (as any 13-year old boy can), we've had a good time so far and he's been a big help to me with running errands and hauling around boxes as we are in the process of moving. I wish the circumstances responsible for his visit were better, but it is what it is and I'm glad our home can be a safe haven for him, even if it's only for a short time. Sometimes it sucks that people have agency, and that their choices affect others so negatively. But I can't control that (as much as the control freak in me would really like to), so I just have to do my best to not repeat the behavior and mistakes I've seen that disgust me so much.

Tonight I was browsing through some old e-mails and thinking about people I used to be so incredibly close to, but whom I have let drift from me. I feel sad that I haven't done more to maintain these friendships...but maybe that's just the natural way of things. I mean, I won't lie, the fact that most of my friends have kids now has a lot to do with it. And it's not because I'm super traumatized that I don't have kids of my own. As much as I'd LOVE that, I'm not jealous or resentful of those of my friends who have been blessed with children. I can honestly say I'm genuinely happy for them, and I love their kids...my friends have some of the cutest and most loveable children I've ever had the priviledge of meeting. It's just that they have moved on to a different stage of their lives and I haven't progressed there yet. It's not a BAD thing, it's just how it goes. I can still relate to my friends on many levels, but the truth of the matter is that the day they welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world...their focus, their priorities, their motivations...basically EVERYTHING changed. So I don't have that in common with them. Hopefully soon.

Anyway, geez...that totally went in a different direction than I had anticipated it would. My point was, I miss my friends...I am regretful that I haven't been more diligent in staying in touch. Because although things cannot be the same as they were, that doesn't mean I can't stay tight w/them on some level. I dunno, maybe I've changed and maybe they don't want to be friends with me...I mean, I have gone through a LOT of changes philosophically, spiritually, physically (can't you still love the chubby girl? hehehe)...a lot of which might offend people. But I don't think that's it. At least, I really hope not. We all get busy with our stuff, that's what I really think it is. I always resolve to be better about staying in touch, and then I'm not...so here's me resolving to really try to be better.

On a happier note, my amazing husband defended his Master's thesis today...which means that he and 3 of his professors went into a classroom where they grilled him for 2 hours, trying to poke holes in the ideology and philosophy of his 70+ page thesis. And he passed, as I knew he would. I am SO PROUD of him, and how hard he's worked to accomplish this. Love you Jacob.

Well whaddya know...it's 1:56am. Time to lock up and go home. Until next time...

A new kind of fear...

So...today was my first official firing of an employee since starting work at Platinum. I've fired people before in my jobs as a real estate office manager, but nobody like the man who was fired today...whom I'll call "Joe." Let me give you some background...

When Joe first came to work here, he struck me as a harmless, middle-aged guy who smoked too much, was a little too obsessed with online gaming and really needed to move out of his mom's basement. He kept to himself and quietly did his job...until he got his friend "Kristy" (yes yes, another fake name...) a job here. Kristy is a 17-year old high school drop out with one baby at home and another on the way, and from the moment I met her it was obvious to me that she thought very little of herself and would be a perfect target for someone who wanted to take full advantage of her. And upon her employment, I started to see that is exactly what Joe wanted to do.

Now, it did seem pretty odd that a 17-year old would be hanging out with a 35+ year old man (even if he did provide her with transportation to work and cigarettes), but at first I didn't think much of it other than, "Ew, gross." However, as the days and weeks progressed I really noticed how Joe treated Kristy...the demeaning comments, the bossiness, the inquiries as to everything she was doing and why...and then he began to isolate her. He picked where they sat here in the call center...he started to take her to the furthest corner far away from everyone. At this point, the concern my co-workers and I felt intensified, and we started devising ways to get her away from him.

And then, the opportunity came...one late night, Joe was teasing/bugging Kristy as she was trying to take a call...this irritated the technician (I work for a security systems company dealing w/sales reps and technicians), who in turn complained to the owner of the company about the lack of professionalism...who then instructed us in no uncertain terms to take care of the problem. Kristy's supervisor and I jumped at the chance to separate them and issued the rule that for the next 30 days, they were not to sit in the same row and were not to converse at any point during their shift except while on break. Joe reacted quite angrily...he argued and argued and ARGUED w/me until my co-worker (who is a guy...) stepped in and basically told him to shut up or get out.

Every day after that Joe whined to me, saying he was sick of being picked on, sick of being treated like a small child...blah blah blah blah blah. Refusing to accept responsibility for himself, he constantly told me about how cruel the world had been to him and how nothing...and I do mean NOTHING...was ever his fault. Having already been written up at least once for violating basically every single policy we have here (you have to get written up 3 times for the same policy before technically you're fired), I disgustedly told myself if he did one more thing I was going to fire him. Then I checked his phone logs...the guy was missing several calls every shift...and I decided that honestly, if we were paying him to answer the phone and he wasn't answering, then we shouldn't be paying him. So the decision was made.

I e-mailed my boss letting him know of my plan...Joe had his day off, then I had mine...so today was the designated day. I wrote up all the paperwork and managed to forget all about it...until 30 minutes before my shift began. And then my stomach knotted up, my heart pounded and I literally felt like I was going to vomit. Did I mention we'd looked Joe up on the Utah website and discovered he's been arrested 5 times for various charges including assault? Yeah, that was no comfort to me as I imagined what would happen. I pictured myself telling him and how he'd react...first he'd yell, then he'd lunge across the desk...arms outstretched for my throat. Or maybe he'd take a swing at my face. And then he'd storm out of the office, grab a crowbar from the back of his white trash car and start swinging at my car and after he was done with that he'd grab a shotgun from the trunk and come marching back in the call center...and so on. Totally unrealistic, I know...but even still, I was SO TERRIFIED.

I got to work and I was shaking...hyperventillating...the works. Never in my almost 5 years of management have I felt like I was ever in danger (well, there was the one guy who stalked me, but even that wasn't as scary...) until today. I met with my boss to go over the paperwork I'd compiled, and then I stood up to go get Joe so I could deliver the news. My boss then told me he didn't want me to do it...he was going to tell Joe that he's fired.

I felt some relief, but I was still horrified out of my mind...Joe followed me into my boss' office, where I sat next to him while he received his termination notice. At first he reacted exactly like I had thought...he was angry, he was defensive, he said, "Everyone picks on me (honestly, he really said that)," he was extremely rude. But my boss threw it right back in his face and was every bit as rude as Joe was being. I mean, he basically let Joe have it.

And then to my complete and utter astonishment, Joe backed down, handed over his employee badge and swipe card to get into the building, said "thank you it's been fun" and it was over. ALL that fear and dread...and all someone had to do was treat Joe the way he treated others.

I honestly am still baffled and totally amazed by it.

But at least I'm not scared.

Ouch.

I don't know why I seem to have such a problem with wearing sunscreen. I just hate it...I always have, and quite possibly always will. I remember hot summer days when my siblings and I were getting ready to go play in our $10 kiddie pool. We'd be ready to go outside and my mother...being the responsible parent she is...would always make us wait to go outside until she had slathered us in the stuff. It seemed to take forever, and all I wanted to do was go outside to play. But I don't think that's a very good reason to hate sunscreen.

So today my loving husband decided it would be an excellent day to go hiking. I've been promising him for a while that I'd go with him, so off we went. And he was right, it was a great day...there wasn't a cloud in the sky, it wasn't too hot, and there was a nice cool breeze in the air.

Anyway, we drove up the Squaw Peak Road...parked the car and headed off on the trail. Jacob told me to put on sunscreen or I'd get burned, to which I replied, "No I won't." I mean, it's not like we were gonna be outside all day. But...I am NOT in as good of shape as I used to be, and the hike took a good 45 minutes longer than I'd anticipated (I'm still not convinced that the trail has always been that steep...could've sworn it was a lot more gradual last time). Don't get me wrong, the scenery and the view was gorgeous...and I was a total dummy and forgot to bring the camera. We did take one picture on Jacob's cell phone...

Um, yes...it's lovely. Notice how I'm the one wearing the camelback with all the water while Jacob just wore the shirt on his back (although in defense of Jacob, he did give me that camelback as a present, and it's really nice...I barely noticed the extra weight).

ANYHOO, we hiked and we hiked...and after we got back to the car Jacob told me I was burned and I said, "No I'm not." He laughed and told me that I really was and I said, "No I'm really not." We got home and my shoulders were a little red...so I conceded and said, "Ok, maybe I got a little burned."

And then we went to work, and I began to feel really warm. Now I've been here for 5 or so hours, and my face, arms and neck are REALLY pink. Dangit. I totally got burned. Everyone here keeps asking me why I didn't wear sunscreen and I keep telling them it's because I hate it. Then they mostly shake their heads and walk away. Maybe one day I'll follow the advice of my husband and actually put the stuff on.

Although for the record, Jacob didn't wear any sunscreen either, and he's burned too. :-)

A Brief Update...

So...I have deliberately been avoiding the subject of fertility (or the lack thereof), because it's just been too painful to talk about lately. But I think I'm in a good spot today...

The visit with the infertility specialist wasn't as positive as I'd hoped. He listened to my story...and then told me my options. While he said he'd do whatever I wanted, he really emphasized In Vitro...he said he thought it was the way to go, which left me pretty stunned. I was not prepared to hear that the best way for us to have a family would involve a procedure that is not only WAY beyond our financial means (we just don't have $10K), but that's so very invasive as well. I honestly think I waslked out of his office in complete shock. I got home, still in shock, and told Jacob. Needless to say, the day was ruined. We went for a walk, we talked about taking out loans...we talked about if and when we could possibly get this going. It did not end well...and we were both more frustrated than we ever have been since we started this process.

I e-mailed my sister...who just happens to be a registered nurse...and told her what I'd been told. She wrote back and said no way...In Vitro is most definitely a last resort. She has some friends w/"issues" similar to my own, so she promised to talk to them and get back to me. This left me feeling slightly better but still pretty miserable.

I got the name of a doctor one of my sister's friends saw...but upon calling his office, found out he's not accepting new patients right now and there was no way I was getting into see him. Another brick wall thrown up in my face.

I waited a couple more days...still not knowing quite what to do, but I had decided In Vitro was not the road I wanted to take (much to Jacob's relief!). My sister and I went to lunch...talking to her made me feel MUCH better...she gave me the confidence to do what I need to. This is MY body, my health care, and I'm going to start calling the shots as to what is or is not done to me. I had already talked to the infertility specialist and told him we don't want to pursue In Vitro, and he immediately apologized if he'd made me feel any pressure to do so. That was comforting...so I told him I want to run some tests on both myself and Jacob to check the basics (you know, his sperm count/quality...and to see if I have any blocked tubes or something). He said that sounded good, and he could either set me up with his medical doctor friend (yeah, he's a doctor of SCIENCE, not medicine...he works with one of the leading infertility doctors who is based on California) or I could go through my own doctor.

That was the part that made me nervous. I love my doctor, I think he's awesome...but I was hesitant to see if they'd do it for me since they had already shipped me off. Yeah, that was silly of me...I called and told them what tests I wanted and they immediately sent the orders to the hospital. Sheesh, I wish I hadn't been so scared before. I just really did not know what I should do.

So Jacob is getting tested (haha, it sounds like he's a science experiment or something) on Friday, and as for me...I'll have to wait at least a couple weeks, just because the test I want can only be done in a very small window of time and I'm already too late in this cycle. Good times, huh?

Anyway, that's the update. We shall see...more to come...