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Hello friends. I feel like I should have a picture for this post...because posts are more fun to read when they have pictures.So here you go:


Yes, that about describes how I feel right now. Not because of anything in particular, except I have a lot on my mind and I am SUPER tired. I couldn't decide what I wanted to write about tonight, so I think I will just dump what's on my mind...

I went to the hospital on Tuesday to have what I now refer to as the "Horribly Hellish HSG Test." I shouldn't say that, because I'd go through it again and a whole lot more if it meant being able to finally start our family. Honestly though, WOW did that hurt! I will spare you the gory details...but for my female readers, picture your most awful menstrual cramp and multiply that pain by like, 10. YEAH. And I've learned that when I go in for these things, I should never have any type of expectations as far as the results go. Jacob's sperm test came back good...and the results of this test were no different. I don't have any blockages in my tubes and my uterus is a "beautiful shape" according to the doc. So everything looked good and "perfectly normal." Part of me was totally relieved, another totally dismayed...what is the deal with this infertility crud? I really thought there must be SOMETHING blocked in there. Grrrr. I just want to be able to find the cause so I can fix this. But I'm starting to realize that might not ever happen, because every time I think I've got it figured out, I'm totally wrong. Anyway, the nurse did tell me that that test is also used as a "cleaning procedure." I guess sometimes there are some cells or mucus (sorry, that's so gross) or whatever that is sometimes left/deposited/whatever at the end of the tubes where the eggs are supposed to come in, so the eggs can't get through. This procedure cleans all that out, if there's anything. I'd like to think that's what happened, because it's an easy fix and assuming I can get the doc to put me back on the drugs so I actually ovulate, it should be good. But I'm not expecting anything, and I don't really know what to do at this point. I think I'm going to hang out for a few weeks and see how I feel. I'm pretty overwhelmed and frustrated at this point...

We have Jacob's little bro staying w/us for the next 2 weeks. He's a really good kid, and although he can be a total pain in the ass (as any 13-year old boy can), we've had a good time so far and he's been a big help to me with running errands and hauling around boxes as we are in the process of moving. I wish the circumstances responsible for his visit were better, but it is what it is and I'm glad our home can be a safe haven for him, even if it's only for a short time. Sometimes it sucks that people have agency, and that their choices affect others so negatively. But I can't control that (as much as the control freak in me would really like to), so I just have to do my best to not repeat the behavior and mistakes I've seen that disgust me so much.

Tonight I was browsing through some old e-mails and thinking about people I used to be so incredibly close to, but whom I have let drift from me. I feel sad that I haven't done more to maintain these friendships...but maybe that's just the natural way of things. I mean, I won't lie, the fact that most of my friends have kids now has a lot to do with it. And it's not because I'm super traumatized that I don't have kids of my own. As much as I'd LOVE that, I'm not jealous or resentful of those of my friends who have been blessed with children. I can honestly say I'm genuinely happy for them, and I love their kids...my friends have some of the cutest and most loveable children I've ever had the priviledge of meeting. It's just that they have moved on to a different stage of their lives and I haven't progressed there yet. It's not a BAD thing, it's just how it goes. I can still relate to my friends on many levels, but the truth of the matter is that the day they welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world...their focus, their priorities, their motivations...basically EVERYTHING changed. So I don't have that in common with them. Hopefully soon.

Anyway, geez...that totally went in a different direction than I had anticipated it would. My point was, I miss my friends...I am regretful that I haven't been more diligent in staying in touch. Because although things cannot be the same as they were, that doesn't mean I can't stay tight w/them on some level. I dunno, maybe I've changed and maybe they don't want to be friends with me...I mean, I have gone through a LOT of changes philosophically, spiritually, physically (can't you still love the chubby girl? hehehe)...a lot of which might offend people. But I don't think that's it. At least, I really hope not. We all get busy with our stuff, that's what I really think it is. I always resolve to be better about staying in touch, and then I'm not...so here's me resolving to really try to be better.

On a happier note, my amazing husband defended his Master's thesis today...which means that he and 3 of his professors went into a classroom where they grilled him for 2 hours, trying to poke holes in the ideology and philosophy of his 70+ page thesis. And he passed, as I knew he would. I am SO PROUD of him, and how hard he's worked to accomplish this. Love you Jacob.

Well whaddya know...it's 1:56am. Time to lock up and go home. Until next time...