Rantaliciousness

...I know "rantaliciousness" is not an actual word, but I like it so I'm using it...anyway, I'm feeling quite irritated tonight so I'm going to blow some steam by writing out the letters I've been composing in my head since arriving at work. Enjoy. Or feel free to skip this post. Either way I'll still like you.

Dear building where I work,
Do you think you could try not to smell like poo? I know the stupid sewage treatment plant is nearby and that is not your fault, but what happened to those amazing carbon filters which are supposedly so fine they stop the smelly particles from coming through the ventilation system? So far I'm slightly nauseated and really not impressed. I mean, my linen sky scented Febreze initially does a stellar job of masking the stench, but unfortunately after a few minutes it just smells like poopy laundry. Nobody likes poopy laundry. So if you would kindly work on that, my co-workers and I would really appreciate it. You don't even have to smell nice, you can smell like nothing and that's completely fine.
Thanks,
-Julie


Dear jackass in Texas who yelled at me for 15 minutes today,
I look forward to the letter of complaint you're going to mail to the office about how rude I was to you. I'd like to summarize our conversation to aid you in your description of how you were so wrongfully abused.

You: I'm not your customer any more, you can't bill me!
Me: Sir while the monthly billing on your account has been taken over by our sister company, it was our technician who came out to service your alarm system so that's why we billed you that service charge.
You: You need to give me back my f****** money and refund my f****** overdraft fees!
Me: Did you sign the service ticket authorizing the service charge?
You: Yes.
Me: Well I do apologize you're upset, but I really can't refund the money or the overdraft fees.
You: I want to speak to someone above you, you're unbending and not helpful at all.
Me: I apologize sir, my boss doesn't take customer calls. My job is to handle these escalated situations.
You: You can't bill me!
Me: Sir you did sign the service ticket agreeing to the charge.
You: But you didn't have permission to bill me!

--After several minutes of you repeating the above argument--

You: You just don't give a s***! You aren't sympathetic and you f****** don't give a s***!
Me: It's not that I don't care, it's that as a company we did nothing wrong so I can't give you what you're asking for. We billed you for services rendered. Please understand my position, it's not that I enjoy telling you that I can't refund those fees, it's that this is the policy of the company that I have been hired to enforce. Believe me, I would much rather tell you I can refund everything, but the fact of the matter is I simply can't do that.
You: Do you have a survey I can fill out about how f****** rude you are?
Me: No sir, we don't have a survey.
You: Do you have anything you can send me I can fill out and send back to tell your boss about how g****** rude you are?
Me: No sir I don't have anything I can send you.
You: Can I write a f****** letter?
Me: Yes sir, you're welcome to write a letter.
You: What's your f****** name and employee ID?
Me: (gave info)
You: What's the address of your piece of s*** company?
Me: blah blah blah street address...American Fork...
You: ...what the hell is American Fork??
Me: The city where our building is located.
You: That's the stupidest city I've ever heard, what state?
Me: Utah.
You: *chuckling like that explains everything*I've never heard anything good about Utah.
Me: zip code is blah blah
You: Wow, they're REALLY not going to like what I'm writing about you.
Me: Well sir I do apologize if you felt I was being rude, that was not my intent. I was simply trying to answer your questions and I'm sorry you didn't like the answers I gave you.
You: Thank you sooooooooo much for being the least helpful person I've ever talked to.
Me: Ok sir...did you have any other questions you wanted to ask?
You: I'm not recommending your company to anyone, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure everyone knows how s***** your company is and how rude you are.
Me: Alright sir.

So please hurry and get that letter sent, my co-workers and I are going to get a huge kick out of it. Oh yeah, do you know where all the customer complaint letters go? To the customer service supervisors. Perhaps I failed to mention that. And do you know what's going to happen to your letter? 1 of 2 scenarios...the first and most likely being the supervisor who handles incoming mail will open it (unless it arrives on a Friday which is his day off...then it will probably come to me first), read it, note your account w/what it said and how we're still not going to cave to your demands since legally we don't have to, and then after he shares it with the other supervisors and we all have a good laugh, I will scan it into the system and give it to the file room to be placed in your file where nothing else will be done. The second and very unlikely scenario would be that it does actually get to my boss, who will then listen the call, pull me into his office and we will both have a grand time making fun of you and talking about how you're a complete tool. Maybe you could send it via FedEx overnight delivery and expedite the fun!
Screw you,
-Julie


Dear former co-worker who quit w/out notice because I wrote you up for violating multiple company policies and because another supervisor told you that actually, you're not the MVP of the call center and everyone here (including supervisors) is 100% replaceable,
First off, I wrote you up because that's my job. When you break important rules...such as, don't blatantly flirt w/the techs because it causes huge problems (like the time you got totally wigged out because that one tech kept asking for you and kept hanging up on everyone who wasn't you)...I have to write you up. Heeeeeey and remember how you told everyone you had to quit your last job because all the guys in the office were hitting on you? Do you really think the same problem happening to you at this job is purely coincidental? Stop being a whore.
And if you really thought that telling me you didn't know that deliberately making up important data on an account b/c the tech didn't want to ask the customer for the correct info is something you weren't supposed to do, you're a bigger idiot than I thought. Seriously.
As for the other supervisor telling you that you're not God's gift to the call center, I just have one question: have you ever actually worked in a call center before or are you really that arrogant? Because when you work for a company where your training consists of sitting in a huge room and learning the same exact thing as 20 other people, that does not mean you're special.
I was slightly offended but extremely relieved when I heard about your dramatic exit.
Oh...and your name is stupid.
-Julie

*Sigh of relief at having successfully vented*

Yeah, I know I can be nasty (but I say kudos to me for having enough self-control not to say this to anyone's face...and knowing that no one I talked about here has any idea I even have a blog, let alone what the URL is). And I'm really beginning to think I probably won't last at this job for more than another year or so. Despite my other post about having a sliver a hope that not everyone in this country throws a temper tantrum if they don't get their way...a sliver is only a tiny piece of the pie, and this lady likes her portions large. Uh, yeah. Not sure how effective that metaphor is, but now I'm craving banana cream...

ANYWAY, I'm signing off...thanks for reading and if you didn't, I don't blame you. Seriously, I don't. :-) Happier things next time I hope!

Dear Adam...

...I rather like this new single of yours, but do you think for your next video, you could get a haircut? That would be really, really good.

Love,
Julie

And the status of my soul is...

I'm getting to the point at work where my soul is feeling extra dead (yeah, I need to take some time off...I haven't had a day off other than weekends since January). And lately I've become increasingly alarmed and disgusted by the American public and what feels like everyone's inability/unwillingness to accept responsibility for themselves. It's very hard to keep my end of the conversation professional when someone is yelling at me about how it's the company's fault that the sales representative who sold them their system failed to tell them about certain terms and conditions of their contract, even though said terms are printed in black and white right in front of their face. And I'm not talking about the fine print on the back, either. I get yelled at on a regular basis for things that are right on the front, usually in bold letters. When I ask these people if they read the contract, I often get the same answer: "NO I did not read it because I was trusting what YOUR representative told me!"

Ok. Here's the thing...I am all too aware that there is a reason why door to door salesman have the reputation that they do. Unfortunately, while there are many who are honest...there are probably more who are not. HOWEVER, having said that, I think that it is the customer's responsibility as a consumer to actually READ things before they sign them. And anyone who signs a big ole' legal-sized document without reading at least the front of it is a complete moron. I truly do find it appalling that people genuinely expect me to allow them to breach their contract without penalty on the grounds that they didn't bother to read it (I'd also like to point out that if they don't read it when they sign it, they have 3 business days after signing where they can cancel w/out penalty, so they have plenty of time to read it and cancel if they find something they don't like).

But I digress...back to my soul being dead. So the past few days at work I've been feeling extra discouraged by the stupidity of the American public. But today, I can assure you that a sliver of my soul is still alive and well, and hope remains that not every customer we have is an idiot. My co-worker was checking out some of our reviews online (after an escalated call in which a customer told him he'd found over 10,000 negative complaints about us online...yeah, we have around 450 w/the BBB, most of which have been resolved...), and he stumbled across this little gem on alarmsystemreviews.com, which truly made my freaking day:

I have been doing business with Platinum Protection for over two years now and have had nothing but professionalism from them. I've read some of these other reviews and have to think that most of the people who have complaints are those same people wondering where their Nigerian puppies and British Lottery winnings are.
Are you seriously upset because a company's CEO won't talk to you and listen to your rant? What CEO takes phone calls? You can't talk to ADT's, Monitronics', SAI's, Brink's or any other companies' executive level. Try calling Microsoft and asking for Bill Gates. He's not even the CEO and I bet you don't get to speak with him. Most CEO's hire people to take CS calls for them. They aren't secretaries, they have a specific job to do. Maybe the reason you can't talk to anyone beyond a supervisor is because unlike other companies where you have to be transferred to four to five differnet people before finding someone who can make a decision, Platinum trusts their reps and supervisors to uphold company policy AND serve their customers.
To the people that complain about the sales pitch: Be a grown-up and take responsibility for your actions. If you sign a contract without reading it then you're an idiot.
To the people who need some help with the CS department: I've never had a problem, mainly because I researched the equipment and read the contract. But on the rare occasion when I need service done I've had the pleasure of speaking with Christopher in the service department, Michael, Jared and Julie in customer service. All of these people represented themselves and their company extremely well.
Bad experiences are just mirrors of the way we treat the people around us. Were you professional, calm and speak with common courtesy, or did you yell, scream and swear, threatening lawsuits unless you get your way? If you did the latter than you were probably treated as hostile and given the base-line policy. Have any of you ever done their job, or worked in the food industry? I manage a restaurant, and I'm here to tell you people are jerks. It's like dealing with little kids all day. So the next time you call, remember the golden rule and treat the rep answering the phone like you want to be treated, I promise they will change your mind.

YES! An intelligent customer! Someone who understands the importance of being a responsible adult (Oh and yes, that "Julie" is me)! So thank you, anonymous poster with the positive review, you have restored a little bit of my faith in the American public.

A Bad Movie Sampler

So, my friend has recently started a blog critiquing the awful movies he watches (see Cinematic Casualty in my list of crazy bloggers...). I have been present for 3 out of the 4 he's reviewed thus far and have come to the realization that there really never will be a shortage of awful movies to write about. And every time you think you've found the worst movie ever, there will surely be another one that comes along to knock it out of first place. I'm grateful, because otherwise we'd never have things like Mystery Science Theater 3000 (which I enjoy tremendously) but I'm also horrified that people actually get funding and actors to make these pieces of junk.

Anyway, here's a taste of just a few that we've been watching lately (and if you haven't already, see the video I posted from Troll 2, which still ranks as #1 on my list of worst movies ever made)...

First we have the Wishmaster series (check out the Cinematic Casualty blog for a full review of I, III and IV...we're still working on finding II). If you ever have the opportunity to make a wish from a Djinn, be sure you have your attorney present to put it in writing, otherwise the result most likely will be the very loosest and most gruesome interpretation of what you actually requested. And you may be attacked by "scary" monsters not unlike this fella...

Uh, yeah. "RUN! IT'S A BUNCH OF BLOODY BONES THAT WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO OVERPOWER!" Horrifying.

Then we have The Curse of King Tut's Tomb." Unfortunately (cough cough), I wasn't able to see the end of this puppy due to having to work, but if I had to sum it up I'd say it's the worst Indiana Jones rip off I have ever seen. And the only one, really. But still, it was BAD.

And most recently..."WHAT ARE THOSE???" you're asking? Well, I will tell you. They're giant leeches, courtesy of the amazing studio that brought us Komodo vs. Cobra.

Tell me, if the Army was working with a bunch of scientists trying to make jumbo-corn in an effort to feed the world and decided to see if the same stuff that makes giant plants would work on animals, wouldn't it be more logical to try it on something more docile like, say, a bunny? Or a hamster? No. You'd be wrong. Apparently using a couple of highly venomous reptiles is a better idea. Geniuses.

......................

So there you have it. I will leave the actual reviewing to my friend, but if you're ever in the mood for some really horrible films, these definitely fit the bill. :-)