Rantaliciousness

...I know "rantaliciousness" is not an actual word, but I like it so I'm using it...anyway, I'm feeling quite irritated tonight so I'm going to blow some steam by writing out the letters I've been composing in my head since arriving at work. Enjoy. Or feel free to skip this post. Either way I'll still like you.

Dear building where I work,
Do you think you could try not to smell like poo? I know the stupid sewage treatment plant is nearby and that is not your fault, but what happened to those amazing carbon filters which are supposedly so fine they stop the smelly particles from coming through the ventilation system? So far I'm slightly nauseated and really not impressed. I mean, my linen sky scented Febreze initially does a stellar job of masking the stench, but unfortunately after a few minutes it just smells like poopy laundry. Nobody likes poopy laundry. So if you would kindly work on that, my co-workers and I would really appreciate it. You don't even have to smell nice, you can smell like nothing and that's completely fine.
Thanks,
-Julie


Dear jackass in Texas who yelled at me for 15 minutes today,
I look forward to the letter of complaint you're going to mail to the office about how rude I was to you. I'd like to summarize our conversation to aid you in your description of how you were so wrongfully abused.

You: I'm not your customer any more, you can't bill me!
Me: Sir while the monthly billing on your account has been taken over by our sister company, it was our technician who came out to service your alarm system so that's why we billed you that service charge.
You: You need to give me back my f****** money and refund my f****** overdraft fees!
Me: Did you sign the service ticket authorizing the service charge?
You: Yes.
Me: Well I do apologize you're upset, but I really can't refund the money or the overdraft fees.
You: I want to speak to someone above you, you're unbending and not helpful at all.
Me: I apologize sir, my boss doesn't take customer calls. My job is to handle these escalated situations.
You: You can't bill me!
Me: Sir you did sign the service ticket agreeing to the charge.
You: But you didn't have permission to bill me!

--After several minutes of you repeating the above argument--

You: You just don't give a s***! You aren't sympathetic and you f****** don't give a s***!
Me: It's not that I don't care, it's that as a company we did nothing wrong so I can't give you what you're asking for. We billed you for services rendered. Please understand my position, it's not that I enjoy telling you that I can't refund those fees, it's that this is the policy of the company that I have been hired to enforce. Believe me, I would much rather tell you I can refund everything, but the fact of the matter is I simply can't do that.
You: Do you have a survey I can fill out about how f****** rude you are?
Me: No sir, we don't have a survey.
You: Do you have anything you can send me I can fill out and send back to tell your boss about how g****** rude you are?
Me: No sir I don't have anything I can send you.
You: Can I write a f****** letter?
Me: Yes sir, you're welcome to write a letter.
You: What's your f****** name and employee ID?
Me: (gave info)
You: What's the address of your piece of s*** company?
Me: blah blah blah street address...American Fork...
You: ...what the hell is American Fork??
Me: The city where our building is located.
You: That's the stupidest city I've ever heard, what state?
Me: Utah.
You: *chuckling like that explains everything*I've never heard anything good about Utah.
Me: zip code is blah blah
You: Wow, they're REALLY not going to like what I'm writing about you.
Me: Well sir I do apologize if you felt I was being rude, that was not my intent. I was simply trying to answer your questions and I'm sorry you didn't like the answers I gave you.
You: Thank you sooooooooo much for being the least helpful person I've ever talked to.
Me: Ok sir...did you have any other questions you wanted to ask?
You: I'm not recommending your company to anyone, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure everyone knows how s***** your company is and how rude you are.
Me: Alright sir.

So please hurry and get that letter sent, my co-workers and I are going to get a huge kick out of it. Oh yeah, do you know where all the customer complaint letters go? To the customer service supervisors. Perhaps I failed to mention that. And do you know what's going to happen to your letter? 1 of 2 scenarios...the first and most likely being the supervisor who handles incoming mail will open it (unless it arrives on a Friday which is his day off...then it will probably come to me first), read it, note your account w/what it said and how we're still not going to cave to your demands since legally we don't have to, and then after he shares it with the other supervisors and we all have a good laugh, I will scan it into the system and give it to the file room to be placed in your file where nothing else will be done. The second and very unlikely scenario would be that it does actually get to my boss, who will then listen the call, pull me into his office and we will both have a grand time making fun of you and talking about how you're a complete tool. Maybe you could send it via FedEx overnight delivery and expedite the fun!
Screw you,
-Julie


Dear former co-worker who quit w/out notice because I wrote you up for violating multiple company policies and because another supervisor told you that actually, you're not the MVP of the call center and everyone here (including supervisors) is 100% replaceable,
First off, I wrote you up because that's my job. When you break important rules...such as, don't blatantly flirt w/the techs because it causes huge problems (like the time you got totally wigged out because that one tech kept asking for you and kept hanging up on everyone who wasn't you)...I have to write you up. Heeeeeey and remember how you told everyone you had to quit your last job because all the guys in the office were hitting on you? Do you really think the same problem happening to you at this job is purely coincidental? Stop being a whore.
And if you really thought that telling me you didn't know that deliberately making up important data on an account b/c the tech didn't want to ask the customer for the correct info is something you weren't supposed to do, you're a bigger idiot than I thought. Seriously.
As for the other supervisor telling you that you're not God's gift to the call center, I just have one question: have you ever actually worked in a call center before or are you really that arrogant? Because when you work for a company where your training consists of sitting in a huge room and learning the same exact thing as 20 other people, that does not mean you're special.
I was slightly offended but extremely relieved when I heard about your dramatic exit.
Oh...and your name is stupid.
-Julie

*Sigh of relief at having successfully vented*

Yeah, I know I can be nasty (but I say kudos to me for having enough self-control not to say this to anyone's face...and knowing that no one I talked about here has any idea I even have a blog, let alone what the URL is). And I'm really beginning to think I probably won't last at this job for more than another year or so. Despite my other post about having a sliver a hope that not everyone in this country throws a temper tantrum if they don't get their way...a sliver is only a tiny piece of the pie, and this lady likes her portions large. Uh, yeah. Not sure how effective that metaphor is, but now I'm craving banana cream...

ANYWAY, I'm signing off...thanks for reading and if you didn't, I don't blame you. Seriously, I don't. :-) Happier things next time I hope!