Forgiveness

Ooooh poor my blog...I need to write more...

...anyway...

When I was dealing with my divorce, I went to my therapist and I said, "I need to forgive my ex-husband and his family."  I still remembered when we (me and my lawyer and my ex with his cocky annoying lawyer) where at court (ugh, court...I hate hate HATE going to court!).  Saw my ex and saw his face and his eyes; he was so so bitter (and he is still bitter).   My goal is forgiveness but it is not for my ex and his family...at all.  It is for me.  I vowed that I will NOT let the bitterness in me...

...BUT...

Forgiveness is so so so hard...we don't have instructions.  I'm not focusing with my divorce because it is done.  I am focusing for my future and my boys.  My ex and me have boundaries; usually we just use email.  If we have to talk, it is fast and we focusing for our boys...so, it is good.  But the memories are still in my brain.  Yes, I had a stroke but my memories are intact and my memory is really good (damn, right? haha).  Sometimes there is a memory when I am playing with my boys...the memory will stir up, then I will think...and then anger and/or sad.  Yay.  I hate that.

I watched a documentary...about a Auschwitz survivor.  Her name is Eva Kor...she is a twin and she was in Auschwitz.  The Nazis did awful stuff..."Medical Experiments" like: 

• Freezing / Hypothermia
• Genetics
• Infectious Diseases
• Interrogation and Torture
• Killing / Genocide
• High Altitude
• Pharmacological
• Sterilization
• Surgery
• Traumatic Injuries

Nice, right?  So sad, so horrible things...awful awful awful.  Eva went to at court.; the trial was a former death camp clerk.  She said "I forgive you" for the death camp clerk.  What?!?!  She explained, "‘As long as we understand my forgiveness that the victim has a right to be free, you cannot be free from what was done to you unless you remove from your shoulder the daily burden of pain and anger and forgive the Nazis – not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it.  ‘When I talk to survivors, and I say why on earth does my forgiveness hurt you, they have no answers. I guess victims like to have more victims; the bigger the crowd, the better. I don’t understand it.  ‘I don’t forget what they have done to me. But I am not a poor person – I am a victorious woman who has been able to rise above the pain and forgive the Nazis.’ When she approached him before the hearing, she held her arms outstretched towards his – and this most unlikely pair became locked in an embrace."

So, if Eva can forgive, I can too.  I will...not today, but I will.