How to NOT get what you want

Now that I have been a customer service manager for a while, I feel I'm qualified to help each and every member of the American public get exactly the opposite of what they want when calling the customer service line for any given product, guaranteed. This list will be particularly insightful to those who have signed contracts they did not read. Please see the helpful tips below:

1-Start yelling right off the bat. It also helps if you say something like, "I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling at your company." This is your best bet for irritating the agent you're speaking to because you've just made them your whipping post.
2-Say that the person who sold you the product lied, and even though the terms of the contract you signed are clearly printed right on the front of it in multiple places, insist that you have no responsibility for them because the salesperson did not specifically point them out to you.
3-Tell them that because you have never called in and yelled at them before, they should make an exception for you, even though you know darn well they can't because their job is to enforce the terms of the contract you signed. Be sure to act completely disgusted that they're unable to go outside the boundaries of their job description.
4-Insist that because you caved to a high-pressure sales pitch and signed a contract for something you didn't really want, you are not responsible even though nobody held a gun to your head and made you sign anything.
--OR--
5-Say that the salesperson "made" you sign the contract before you were finished reading it, and therefore you aren't responsible for the terms of your contract even though you signed right where it says, "I have read and understood the terms & conditions of this agreement, including those printed on the back" (aka the fine print).
6-Ask repeatedly why you would sign up for something you can't afford and get really mad when the agent wonders the same thing.
7-Simply tell the agent that they're going to waive a fee, cancel you without penalty, or whatever. Just tell them, and when they tell you they cannot do that, keep saying "Oh yes you can, and you will." Telling them what to do is always effective in not getting that very thing.
8-Call just to say you're getting a lawyer even though one of the conditions of your contract is that all disputes have to be settled via mediation, not in court. I promise that on the inside, the agent will be laughing and thinking, "Sucka!!!"
9-When you call to cancel and are told you cannot do so because your 3-year contract is not over, say that the product has never worked and you shouldn't have to pay for something that doesn't work even though you've never called until now and you've had it for a year. Be sure to rudely decline when the company offers to send someone to repair it.
10-Say the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over. Ignore what the agent says in response to you, just keep arguing. When the agent tells you they've already addressed your concerns and can't tell you anything different, simply repeat your argument. Being as argumentative as possible for as long as possible is key.
11-Demand to speak to a supervisor, then demand to speak to their supervisor, and if anyone ever tells you they're the top of the chain, demand to speak to the owner of the company. Get really, really pissed when told that the owner doesn't take customer calls and you'll have to send a letter.
12-Any kind of threat is always effective, especially if you make it by saying, "This isn't a threat, it's a promise." That kind of talk will have the agent rolling their eyes in no time. Threatening not to pay is always a good one, because that will most likely result in the company sending you to an outside collections agency and your credit will be ruined for at least the next 7 years.

Last but certainly not least...the most surefire way to not get what you want:

13-As soon as the agent answers the phone drop as many F-bombs as you can. When the agent warns you that if you don't stop using profanity they will terminate the call, that is your signal to up the ante and try to set a new record for most curse words used in any call anyone at that company's ever taken. If you're really ballsy throw in race or religion or something...which will practically guarantee that after reading the notes on your account, whoever you talk to from that time forward will do the bare minimum of what their job requires in order to assist you.