I don't even know...

Today has been kind of a hard day. I had a long talk with my mom about my struggles with the church and I made her really upset. That was not my intention, and I HATED it. I hate making anyone cry, but making my mom cry is just about the worst feeling in the world. She kept saying, "It's not you, I'm just thinking about Karin and Brian (my siblings, neither of whom have anything to do w/the rest of our fam and who have both had their names removed from the records of the church)." But I know that wasn't the truth, it was me. I wasn't trying to hurt her, I just want to be honest.

Then I came to work and I had to fire another employee. This time I did it myself, and it wasn't scary--but I don't really enjoy firing people, it's never very pleasant.

But the kicker came about halfway through my shift as I was sitting and talking with a couple of co-workers about this and that. We were laughing and joking and then Kristy (remember her? The 17-yr old w/a baby at home and another on the way) came running over--literally--because she wanted to show us some pictures of her baby on her cell phone. So we were politely looking and there was one of her baby in a kiddie pool and we commented that she was teaching her how to swim early. She said, "Yeah, she's a really good swimmer and she's only 7 months old!" Then my co-worker said, "Babies can swim before they're born, that's all your baby is doing in there." Kristy said, "Yeah, she did a good job swimming in the pool." She was obviously confused, so I said, "No, he meant the baby inside you."
And then...
Kristy said, "Oh I lost that baby. I went to the doctor and they said I had lost it because I was throwing up all the time so yesterday they cleaned me out."
--PAUSE--
I said, "You had the D&C yesterday? Because I know that takes a few days to recover from." She said yes, but that she hates lying down and she loves work so she wanted to come in even though they told her not to.
--ANOTHER PAUSE--
I made up some excuse to go back to my desk and walked away. And I was SO ANGRY.

Now, I really don't think that typically I'm a weak little girl who can't handle the fact that some people are stupid and say hurtful things...especially without realizing they're hurting someone else. It happens all the time. But I was really bugged that she lied about being pregnant and I REALLY didn't like that she was so nonchalant about losing a baby she never even had.

Ok, I don't have proof she wasn't pregnant...but I have been suspecting it for a while, because every time I'd ask her how far along she was she'd say, "3 months." For one thing, pregnant women rarely measure in months, they measure in weeks. Not to mention she could never tell me her due date. And then there's the fact that there is NO WAY she'd be back at work the day after having the D&C procedure. I mean, I suppose it's possible...but she wouldn't be jumpy and hyper and running around like that. Geez, it took me 2 days just to get the anesthesia out of my freaking system, and another day or two to feel physically normal again. It's just not realistic.

Basically, it stirred up everything I've been trying so very hard not to think about or be upset by. I've mostly shaken it off--I refuse to be devastated by some stupid little teenager who makes up stories to get attention (arrrrrgh I should be nicer...I know she has issues stemming from her childhood--she was a foster child, and obviously has never lived in any kind of stable and nurturing environment). But even so, it still hurts a little, and baffles me even more as to how there is any justice in the world when someone like THAT has a child and there are so many good and deserving people who are unable to (and no, I'm not just talking about Jacob and myself). Ok, that's a drama queen line if I've ever heard one. Sorry.

So I really didn't like that. Tomorrow will be a better day. And I want to end on a happier note, so I will tell you all that there's this new Indian place on University Ave called Tandoori Grill (it used to be Winger's) that has really good food. You should all go there, it will make your lives happy, if only for a moment. The end.