The Last (Worst) Exorcism (Movie...ever)

So this past weekend I was in the mood to watch a horror movie...you know how I am, I love 'em. The Last Exorcism had just arrived in the mail (yay Netflix!) so I decided to watch it. I didn't set my expectations very high...in fact, they were actually pretty low. It didn't do well in theaters and the reviews on imdb weren't exactly flattering. But I figured it would probably be slightly entertaining...I liked both The Exorcist and The Exorcism of Emily Rose so I figured I'd probably get a kick out of this one too. Yeah, I was wrong.

***HUGE, MASSIVE, RIDICULOUS SPOILER ALERT***

The movie presents itself as a documentary, and begins with the introduction of Reverend Cotton Marcus...who is a man pretending to believe in God when he has in actuality lost his faith. He jokes about how the members of his congregation will basically believe that anything he says is the word of God, even if he's preaching his grandma's banana bread recipe (which he then does...and indeed his congregation cries "Hallelujah" and "Praise Jesus"). Eventually the subject of exorcism is brought up, and to no one's surprise the good Reverend doesn't believe in that either, despite having successfully "exorcised" several people and taking the money of their grateful family members as payment for his demon-banishing services. So the dude's basically a big douchebag...a douchebag who is apparently ready to reveal the hypocrisy behind what he does for a living (think Marjoe, if you've ever heard of it...and if not, I'd recommend it).

Next we learn that the Reverend has received a letter from a father of a young teenage girl supposedly possessed by a demon begging him to come cast it out of her. What's a good Reverend to do, right? Why, head down to the little town outside of New Orleans to get rid of the pesky demon and catch the whole thing on film, that's what. The father and his son (the mother passed away a few years prior) aren't too thrilled about the camera at first, but good ole' Reverend Marcus talks them into letting the camera roll so we can all enjoy the spectacle.

Then we meet Nell, a sweet, innocent looking girl who just happens to have no memory of why she wakes up in the morning covered in blood and finds that her father's livestock has been slaughtered during the night, which is apparently an obvious sign of a demon possession (why the hell would a demon be so interested in killing a cow anyway? Doesn't it have better things to do with its time? Like try to bring about the apocalypse or something? I don't understand how killing a cow is going to accomplish that...). Reverend Marcus declares she is indeed possessed by the demon Abalam who has violated her innocence...of course he must perform an exorcism immediately because, naturally, the only way to save Nell's soul if the demon isn't exorcised is to kill her.

Nell and her family are then instructed to leave the room so Reverend Marcus can "prepare" for the exorcism. Preparations include hiding speakers to better amplify the recording of demon-like growls, putting on special rings which actually emit small electric charges to deliver just enough of a shock when the Reverend touches Nell to make it look like the demon is really fighting hard to stay in his human host's body, oh and then of course there's the smoking crucifix, which is how you know when the demon has been cast out by the power of Christ. The family re-enters Nell's bedroom and the "exorcism" commences. And what do you know, it's a rousing success! Bye bye Abalam, sucka! Dad's happy, Nell's brother is happy (which is odd, because he totally figures out that Reverend Marcus is a complete phony prior to the exorcism taking place), and of course Nell is elated to be rid of that pesky demon. Dad gives Reverend Marcus a big wad of cash and off he goes into the sunset a hero.

But wait...uh oh, that night at the Reverend's hotel who should show up but Nell, and she's not herself. Looks like Abalam didn't actually leave, and the Reverend is out of tricks, so it's off to the hospital, where she is evaluated and...once Abalam backs off for a minute, it's concluded she's fine and she's discharged. Obviously Dad is furious and demands another exorcism, which Reverend Marcus refuses to do, stating Nell is obviously cuckoo and needs to see a psychiatrist. But Dad is a man of faith, not medicine, and no head doctor is going to help his little girl. At this point Nell has gone all possessed again and has slashed her brother in the face with a knife, so Dad has to take him to the hospital (after he chains Nell to her bed, of course...but wouldn't you know, she still manages to get out, steal the camera while everyone's sleeping and use it to bludgeon the family cat to death). Reverend Marcus takes this opportunity to meet with the local pastor to beseech his help in convincing Dad to take Nell to see a psychiatrist. The pastor states there was a big squabble between him and Dad a couple years back, but if Reverend Marcus can get Dad to agree to see him, he'll come talk to him...he actually has a very good psychiatrist friend he can refer them to, in fact. A grateful Reverend Marcus heads back to the house, where Nell is still being all possessed and crazy. Oh and then guess what? The hospital calls and it turns out Nell is pregnant! Once Dad gets home and hears that, he grabs a shotgun. Turns out that demon really did violate his little girl...and since Reverend Marcus told him the only option besides exorcism is death, naturally he must do what any loving father would do to save his child's soul...blast her brains out. Awesome.

It then becomes apparent to Reverend Marcus that he's completely lost control of the situation...and in desperation to prevent Dad from committing murder he agrees to perform another exorcism...apparently it's gonna be a real one this time. Dad agrees to set aside the shotgun for a few minutes, and into the barn they go to once more attempt to send the demon back to hell.

The exorcism begins...and at first there's little hope that it will work. Nell, who is not normally a contortionist, is bending herself into all sorts of uncomfortable looking positions, breaking her own fingers, and carrying on in a way that most demons would...until she slips up and calls a naughty sex act by the wrong name. Wait a minute, demons are evil and they certainly know what all the immoral sex acts of the world are called. Nell, are you really possessed or are you just ashamed that you acted like a whore and got yourself knocked up? It is soon concluded by all that there is no demon, Nell is just acting out due to extreme guilt (some people cry, some people hang their head in shame...others pretend to be possessed by demons)...and reveals that a boy who works at the diner down the road seduced her and she succumbed to temptation and is now carrying his love child. After this startling confession (Dad actually looks like he'd rather it were a demon), it's agreed that the local pastor can come counsel the family on how to seek psychological help and...once again...off Reverend Marcus rides into the sunset in all his heroic glory.

But wait...the twist!!! Out of curiosity I suppose, Cotton and crew decide to stop by the diner to meet Nell's forbidden lover. Hmmmm, that's odd...this young man is gay and couldn't possibly be Nell's baby daddy. Something is wrong...still. Better go back and get things sorted out...AGAIN.

They arrive at the house and all is dark...upon entering Nell's room, they see that someone has been having way too much fun with a red sharpie and Satanic symbols, because they are all over the place in there. Oh dear, is that a scream in the distance? Well, we'd better head into the scary woods to see what's going on (the camera man doesn't want to because earlier when Nell was all possessed (but not really...or was she?) she colored a picture of all of them dying, but foreshadowing isn't applicable in real life, right? Onward!). They reach a clearing and there's poor Nell on a sacrificial altar getting what one can only assume is a Satanic abortion. Dad is blindfolded and tied to some sort of large rock, and there's the local pastor in a blood red cloak and his minions chanting in some weird language while Nell screams in pain. The "baby" is delivered and cast into the bonfire (because what Satanic ritual would be complete without a bonfire?), which immediately leaps like, 10 stories into the air and looks rather malevolent.

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Oh shit.

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Our hero once more decides he must save the day so he pulls out his smoking crucifix (which is not currently smoking as he has not had adequate time to prepare it to do so) and heads toward the fire, intent on stopping whatever ungodly force has been unleashed. Apparently Cotton has changed his mind and concluded that there really is a God and He's gonna get over the fact that the Reverend stopped believing in Him and lend a hand here. Or not, we never find out. The documentary producer runs away (to do what, I'm not sure...she's not running back the way they came) and is met with an axe to the face...we must assume that killed her, I don't know anyone who could survive that. The cameraman, who seems to be the only person who has any sense left at all, proceeds to run back towards the house with (I'm sure) the intent of jumping in the car and getting the hell out of there, but unfortunately he's not fast enough and Nell's brother, who somehow managed to check himself out of the hospital and get all the way back to the house despite his gaping face wound and lack of a vehicle (he even had time to spare and was able to change into his Sunday best...gotta look good for Satanic rituals, you see), intercepts him and decapitates him with a little scythe. Obviously that was fatal, although apparently he had enough strength in him to reach up and turn off the camera so we will never know what happened (ok not really, but the impact of the fall didn't seem nearly hard enough to break the camera). The end.

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Whaaaaaaaat was that?

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Here's the thing with horror movies...ambiguous endings (some argue that this ending is not...which is bogus) are definitely appropriate (although can sometimes be very cliche)...but this one did not work for 2 reasons: first, there were too many unanswered questions and contradictions. We assume Nell's dad was NOT in on it, since he had to be tied up at the end (or maybe he was a willing participant and that was his part of the ritual..?). We know Nell's brother WAS in on it, as was the pastor and apparently most of the town. But was Nell in on it? There's the token question. If she was in on it, why would she act possessed and bring all that attention to herself and risk someone coming, discovering their secret and possibly messing it up? If she was not in on it, why would she lie about getting knocked up by the gay kid...and who raped her? The devil (Rosemary's Baby, anyone?)? Hmmm. Maybe the pastor...but in that case her baby would be human (definitely an acceptable sacrifice in Satanic rituals) and not a demon and wouldn't cause her to act possessed. Actually, carrying Satan's baby probably wouldn't cause her to act possessed either (yes, that's another Rosemary's Baby reference). Or was she actually possessed and just happened to be impregnated as well (geez, there's a run of bad luck for you)? Was she just schizophrenic? No clue. In fact, Daniel Stamm, the director, doesn't even know. He fully admits that they did their best to leave the ending as open as possible and that he doesn't ever want to solve the ambiguity.

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So...we have a director who doesn't know what the hell is actually going on in his own film...which brings about reason #2 why this movie's ending doesn't work. Again, ambiguity has its place...it's not a horror film, but let's talk Inception. The ambiguous ending TOTALLY worked for that movie because the build-up of events led right to it. The idea was planted in the viewer's head very early on in the movie that it was all too easy to become lost in the dream sequence and not realize you're actually living a dream. So was Leo's character still in a dream at the end? Maybe, and that's ok. Maybe not, which is also ok...either works, and it's fun to wonder. However, in The Last Exorcism there is basically no build-up to the movie's ending. The movie is going along, doing its thing, and then all the sudden it does a complete 180 and for the last 5 minutes it turns into something completely different than the entire rest of the movie. The focus shifts from "Is Nell really possessed or is it her psyche" to "Wait, the whole town is part of a Satanic cult and they're doing what??" The entire tone of the film changes and you as the viewer are left completely unprepared and with almost no reference as to what anything you just watched has to do with what's currently happening. Apparently the director thought it would be scary because it's unexplained...which it's not, it's just annoying.

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So my exorcism film turned out not to be an exorcism film...I'm actually not sure what it was, other than lame. The search for a decent horror film continues...