A Cheesy Moment

So...I was at work tonight...doing busywork, getting yelled at...you know, the usual. And then my mom called. This is not an infrequent thing, she calls every couple of weeks to remind me about family dinner or ask about something or other...and this phone call started out no different. She wanted to be sure she told me what time we're having Easter dinner this Sunday and to see how Jacob did when he was in Vegas working on his pilot stuff last week.

But then (after I'd reassured her I hadn't forgotten about dinner and reported that Jacob did just fine in Vegas), she said, "This may sound stupid, but I've been thinking about it a lot and I wanted to tell you that I know the reason you're having a hard time getting pregnant is not because you did anything wrong."

Whoa. Didn't see that one coming.

I didn't quite know how to respond...so I waited for her to continue. She told me that she knows that the reason I haven't been able to get pregnant is not because I'm being punished for the choices I've made in my life. She said I'm a good person and she loves me and she hopes I don't think this is my fault. Totally floored (and somewhat emotionally stunted by the fact that I was at work and would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than let my co-workers see me cry), I thanked her, said that means a lot to me and that I love her too...and then told her I'll see her Sunday and we hung up.

I'm not writing about this because I'm astounded that my mom would say that to me...I'm actually not. While everyone else in my family doesn't usually say those types of things to each other, my mom is the exception and has no problem saying how she feels no matter how sappy it may be. It's just that...with this situation in particular...well, let me put it this way: I will NEVER forget the day my mom and I discussed my decision to leave the church. My mom is one of the most faithful women you will ever meet, and I know I hurt her badly when I told her. She cried. There are few things in this world that are more horrible than making your mom cry. So because this subject is so very sensitive to her (and because if I ever make her cry again I will probably shoot myself), I haven't told her the things people have said to me. I never told her about how people in my ward and some of my friends told me if I'm good the Lord will bless me w/a child. Didn't tell her how a few of them told me I'm obviously not trying hard enough to be righteous. I most definitely left out the part where one person in particular let me know in no uncertain terms that God was refusing to send his spirit children to me because he doesn't want them raised in an unrighteous home. I didn't tell her how when I lost my baby two years ago I REALLY struggled w/the idea that God had taken away that child from me because I wasn't righteous enough to be a mother...and how sometimes to this day it's still a nagging thought in the back of my head.

So...not knowing any of those things...that's what she said to me. Do I think she was "inspired" to say that? No, not particularly. But what I do think is that sometimes, life hands you these cheesy moments (courtesy of your mom, or your friend, or whoever...) and if you let them, they'll help get you through the bad stuff. :-)