I HATE SKUNKS

So I was driving home from work last night...well, technically this morning at 2am...thinking of how great it was going to be to get home to my nice, soft, comfortable bed. It's been a long week and I was exhausted. So I was driving along, being sure to follow all the traffic laws because the Pleasant Grove police have nothing better to do than hide in dark corners and catch people speeding so they can give them tickets. No seriously, that's how it is. So I'm driving, I'm driving, and then...SKUNK!!!!! Right in the middle of the road, there it was. Naturally, I slammed on my breaks. In retrospect I should have just kept going, it was perfectly centered in the lane between my wheels and there's a good chance it would have lived to tell the tale to its little skunk friends. But no, I braked and it scurried...and managed to align itself just perfectly with the right tire of my car.

There was a small "thump" as I ran right over it.

It all happened pretty fast and it took me a minute to process. Wait a sec, did I just kill that skunk??? Don't ask me why, but I felt like I had to make sure so I looped around and drove past the spot where I'd hit it again and sure enough, there it was, dead in the road. SIGH. Obviously there wasn't anything I could do so I just went home feeling horribly guilty. I like animals and am not in the business of killing them. I just hope it was killed instantly and didn't have to suffer. I sadly pulled into my parking space, got out of the car and instantly my nostrils were assaulted with the worst skunk stench I've ever had the horror of sniffing.

Oh nooooooo...my car....

Yeah. Did you know that when you hit a skunk with your car, it bestows all its stink on your vehicle? Well it does.

I ran into my apartment, gagging...and called Jacob because I didn't know what else to do. I was expecting to get his voicemail b/c I assumed he'd be flying, but he actually answered.
Me: What are you doing answering your phone?
Him: What? Why are you calling?
Me: Well I was just going to leave you a voicemail.
Him: Ok, but why are you calling?
Me: I killed a skunk.
Him: You what?
Me: I ran over it on the way home from work and I killed it and the car smells AWFUL.
Him: Oh...
Me: I think the smell is coming into the house. The neighbors are going to be soooo pissed!

Side note: for those of you who don't know, we live in a fourplex...so I was worried that if it was coming into my apartment, surely it was going to make its way into the other 3...

Him: Park the car out on the street.
Me: Do you think I should go to Wal-Mart and get some stuff to wash it off?
Him: What are you going to get?
Me: I dunno, skunk cleaning stuff. Do you think they have that?
Him: Just take it to the car wash tomorrow.
Me: I don't think that will be enough. It's sooooooooooo bad.
Him: It will be fine, don't worry.
Me: Ok well I'll let you go, I just thought I'd tell you so you could call me later if you had any ideas.
Him: Sorry.

I still had no clue what to do...and then I realized that I'm probably not the first person to slaughter a skunk with a car so I hopped online and typed "skunk smell car" into the search field. No friends, I am not the first...there were TONS of suggestions. Various commercial cleaners, lemon juice, tomato juice...one guy was like, "Just leave it, it will go away in a couple of weeks." A couple of weeks??? Uh, no, that is not going to work for me. The one thing I did notice that several people listed was a combination of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dish soap...all of which I happened to have in the house. Score.

I mixed it all up, put it in a spray bottle and headed outside with a flashlight, my pepper spray (after all, it was 2:30am at this point) and my car keys. I sprayed the front tire EVERYWHERE...I even moved the car forward a little so I could get the part of the tire that was on the ground. I sprayed until the bottle was empty and was convinced that the smell had started to dissipate a little bit. Only time will tell now. I gathered my things and as I walked past the rear of the car the stench hit me again. Guess what everyone? Cars have two sets of wheels. TWO. And although the front tire made the initial contact with the skunk, the back tire ran over it too. I hadn't even thought to spray the rear tire and it was still stinky as ever back there. Brilliant.

I stomped into the house and grabbed my purse because of course, I had used all my hydrogen peroxide and most of the baking soda. There's a Rite Aid right down the street, they'll at least have the peroxide! I got in the car and drove to what I sadly realized was not a Rite Aid, it was a Walgreens (I should know this, I just filled a prescription there the other day). You know what the difference between Rite Aid and Walgreens is? Rite Aid is open 24 hours, Walgreens is not. FINE! I'll go to Wal-Mart, ya jerks!

I trudged through the doors of Wal-Mart and the greeter cheerfully said, "Good evening, miss!" Part of me wanted to scream, "It's 3:00am and your parking lot smells like skunk thanks to my car, it is NOT a good evening!!!!!!" But instead I smiled and said hello. I grabbed the baking soda and peroxide located the only checkstand that was open and made my way to it. There was a bell sitting on the conveyer belt and the cashier was straightening the magazines.
Him: Have you come to ring my bell?
Me: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Him: Baking soda and hydrogen peroxide?
Me: Yup.
Him: I hope you're not planning on...blah blah blah

I really have no idea what the dude said, I'm sure it was something clever or nerdy or whatever.

Me: Actually, I ran over a skunk tonight and I read online that mixing these things w/dish soap will get the smell out.
Him: Well baking soda and peroxide will definitely help disable the compound.
Me: (Do you actually know what you're talking about dude?) Good, because my car smells AWFUL.

I got back home, mixed it up again and went outside. I attempted to spray it but it wouldn't come out. I checked the nozzle of the spray bottle, it was open. I tried a few more times in vain so I stomped back into the house to examine it in better light. It appeared that not all the baking soda had dissolved and had accumulated at the bottom of the bottle and clogged the tube thingie...so I had to wash that out, shake it until the soda dissolved and then it finally worked again. I sprayed the hell out of the rear tire and called it good.

I came back inside, threw away the empty peroxide bottles and rinsed the spray bottle before putting it in the diswasher. Then I realized my fingers were starting to hurt. NOW what??? I looked down at my hands and couldn't see anything out of the ordinary until I examined them more closely and realized there were itty bitty bubbles all over the skin on my fingers. Shit, I'm chemically burning my hands! I threw them under the faucet and washed furiously, continuing to curse at myself for not wearing rubber gloves. Fortunately all the little bubbles popped and stopped hurting (they left little red dots, but I woke up this morning and they were gone). Don't play with chemicals using your bare hands, kids, it's dumb.

At this point I was really, really tired. But I'd left the computer on so I figured I might as well check my email before going to sleep. I sat at the desk and as I logged in I realized I could still smell skunk. Oh no, it DID get in the house. Then I realized maybe the smell hadn't seeped though the windows from the car being parked too close...so I sniffed my shirt. Are you kidding me. No, really...are you freaking kidding me??? That's right friends, the smell was on ME.

Trying not to cry, I stripped down and ran into the bathroom with my stinky clothes. I threw my shirt in the sink, turned on the water, grabbed the laundry detergent and poured. I sniffed my pants again...the smell was less strong, so instead of soaking those in detergent I flung them over the shower curtain rod and proceded drench them in extra strengh Febreze. Now came the part I was truly afraid of...was it just on my clothes, or had the smell gotten on my skin and hair as well? I sniffed my slightly burned hands...they smelled like soap. I sniffed my arms, they were fine. Ok. I pulled out my ponytail and sniffed my hair. THANK GOODNESS it still smelled like conditioner!!

As my heart rate slowed down, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. It was just after 4:00. Paranoia of stinking up my bed led me to sniff my arms and hair a few more times, but fortunately it really was just my clothes. I drifted off to sleep...

...and as I woke up this morning, the memory of my "exciting" evening slowly crept back into my brain and I groaned. I got up and checked my pants. They smell like Febreze. Not Febreze and skunk, just Febreze. Hallelujah. My shirt, after soaking all night, appears to have lost the smell as well although I won't be positive about it until it dries all the way. Then there's the car. The baking soda/hydrogen peroxide/dish soap concoction seems to have done the trick on the back tire, but the front tire still stinks. I suppose that since it's the tire that did the actual killing, that makes sense. It's not nearly as strong as it was last night, but it's definitely still there. I think I'll take it to the car wash later today and maybe give it another dose of the peroxide stuff since I still have a bottle left. Unfortunately the smell made its way into the interior of the car a little bit...I'm trying extra strengh Febreze and letting it sit with the windows cracked, hopefully that gets rid of it.

I wish I could say I learned my lesson and I'll never kill a skunk again, but I can't because I couldn't help that it was in the middle of the road and really, this could happen to anyone. I will say, however, that any guilt I had from killing the damn thing is very much gone as I feel thoroughly and sufficiently punished.

And seriously guys, I hope this never happens to you. Or if it does, that it's not smack dab in the middle of the freaking night.

I'll keep you posted.

"Truths for Mature Humans"

I have no shame...I totally stole this from a friend's blog (thank you, Nate...). But these are hilarious, mostly because they're true (at least, for me they are), so I wanted to share the love.

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

4. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

6. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

7. Bad decisions make good stories.

8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

10. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

11. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this- ever.

12. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

13. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

18. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

21. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!

22. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

23. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

24. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

25. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

My Little Helper

While Michael is my cuddly cat (and, let's be honest, my lazy cat who will literally sleep ALL day and only wake up to eat), Mariah is the helper kitty. She always wants to see what I'm doing and if she feels it's necessary, she tries to help. Jacob has often had her hold the pages of the book he's reading with her paw...it's really cute. Anyway, yesterday I was changing the sheets on our bed...

...and she hopped up to "help." It's not easy to make your bed when your cat is sitting on it, but I was grateful for her good intentions...silly kitty.

Rantaliciousness

...I know "rantaliciousness" is not an actual word, but I like it so I'm using it...anyway, I'm feeling quite irritated tonight so I'm going to blow some steam by writing out the letters I've been composing in my head since arriving at work. Enjoy. Or feel free to skip this post. Either way I'll still like you.

Dear building where I work,
Do you think you could try not to smell like poo? I know the stupid sewage treatment plant is nearby and that is not your fault, but what happened to those amazing carbon filters which are supposedly so fine they stop the smelly particles from coming through the ventilation system? So far I'm slightly nauseated and really not impressed. I mean, my linen sky scented Febreze initially does a stellar job of masking the stench, but unfortunately after a few minutes it just smells like poopy laundry. Nobody likes poopy laundry. So if you would kindly work on that, my co-workers and I would really appreciate it. You don't even have to smell nice, you can smell like nothing and that's completely fine.
Thanks,
-Julie


Dear jackass in Texas who yelled at me for 15 minutes today,
I look forward to the letter of complaint you're going to mail to the office about how rude I was to you. I'd like to summarize our conversation to aid you in your description of how you were so wrongfully abused.

You: I'm not your customer any more, you can't bill me!
Me: Sir while the monthly billing on your account has been taken over by our sister company, it was our technician who came out to service your alarm system so that's why we billed you that service charge.
You: You need to give me back my f****** money and refund my f****** overdraft fees!
Me: Did you sign the service ticket authorizing the service charge?
You: Yes.
Me: Well I do apologize you're upset, but I really can't refund the money or the overdraft fees.
You: I want to speak to someone above you, you're unbending and not helpful at all.
Me: I apologize sir, my boss doesn't take customer calls. My job is to handle these escalated situations.
You: You can't bill me!
Me: Sir you did sign the service ticket agreeing to the charge.
You: But you didn't have permission to bill me!

--After several minutes of you repeating the above argument--

You: You just don't give a s***! You aren't sympathetic and you f****** don't give a s***!
Me: It's not that I don't care, it's that as a company we did nothing wrong so I can't give you what you're asking for. We billed you for services rendered. Please understand my position, it's not that I enjoy telling you that I can't refund those fees, it's that this is the policy of the company that I have been hired to enforce. Believe me, I would much rather tell you I can refund everything, but the fact of the matter is I simply can't do that.
You: Do you have a survey I can fill out about how f****** rude you are?
Me: No sir, we don't have a survey.
You: Do you have anything you can send me I can fill out and send back to tell your boss about how g****** rude you are?
Me: No sir I don't have anything I can send you.
You: Can I write a f****** letter?
Me: Yes sir, you're welcome to write a letter.
You: What's your f****** name and employee ID?
Me: (gave info)
You: What's the address of your piece of s*** company?
Me: blah blah blah street address...American Fork...
You: ...what the hell is American Fork??
Me: The city where our building is located.
You: That's the stupidest city I've ever heard, what state?
Me: Utah.
You: *chuckling like that explains everything*I've never heard anything good about Utah.
Me: zip code is blah blah
You: Wow, they're REALLY not going to like what I'm writing about you.
Me: Well sir I do apologize if you felt I was being rude, that was not my intent. I was simply trying to answer your questions and I'm sorry you didn't like the answers I gave you.
You: Thank you sooooooooo much for being the least helpful person I've ever talked to.
Me: Ok sir...did you have any other questions you wanted to ask?
You: I'm not recommending your company to anyone, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure everyone knows how s***** your company is and how rude you are.
Me: Alright sir.

So please hurry and get that letter sent, my co-workers and I are going to get a huge kick out of it. Oh yeah, do you know where all the customer complaint letters go? To the customer service supervisors. Perhaps I failed to mention that. And do you know what's going to happen to your letter? 1 of 2 scenarios...the first and most likely being the supervisor who handles incoming mail will open it (unless it arrives on a Friday which is his day off...then it will probably come to me first), read it, note your account w/what it said and how we're still not going to cave to your demands since legally we don't have to, and then after he shares it with the other supervisors and we all have a good laugh, I will scan it into the system and give it to the file room to be placed in your file where nothing else will be done. The second and very unlikely scenario would be that it does actually get to my boss, who will then listen the call, pull me into his office and we will both have a grand time making fun of you and talking about how you're a complete tool. Maybe you could send it via FedEx overnight delivery and expedite the fun!
Screw you,
-Julie


Dear former co-worker who quit w/out notice because I wrote you up for violating multiple company policies and because another supervisor told you that actually, you're not the MVP of the call center and everyone here (including supervisors) is 100% replaceable,
First off, I wrote you up because that's my job. When you break important rules...such as, don't blatantly flirt w/the techs because it causes huge problems (like the time you got totally wigged out because that one tech kept asking for you and kept hanging up on everyone who wasn't you)...I have to write you up. Heeeeeey and remember how you told everyone you had to quit your last job because all the guys in the office were hitting on you? Do you really think the same problem happening to you at this job is purely coincidental? Stop being a whore.
And if you really thought that telling me you didn't know that deliberately making up important data on an account b/c the tech didn't want to ask the customer for the correct info is something you weren't supposed to do, you're a bigger idiot than I thought. Seriously.
As for the other supervisor telling you that you're not God's gift to the call center, I just have one question: have you ever actually worked in a call center before or are you really that arrogant? Because when you work for a company where your training consists of sitting in a huge room and learning the same exact thing as 20 other people, that does not mean you're special.
I was slightly offended but extremely relieved when I heard about your dramatic exit.
Oh...and your name is stupid.
-Julie

*Sigh of relief at having successfully vented*

Yeah, I know I can be nasty (but I say kudos to me for having enough self-control not to say this to anyone's face...and knowing that no one I talked about here has any idea I even have a blog, let alone what the URL is). And I'm really beginning to think I probably won't last at this job for more than another year or so. Despite my other post about having a sliver a hope that not everyone in this country throws a temper tantrum if they don't get their way...a sliver is only a tiny piece of the pie, and this lady likes her portions large. Uh, yeah. Not sure how effective that metaphor is, but now I'm craving banana cream...

ANYWAY, I'm signing off...thanks for reading and if you didn't, I don't blame you. Seriously, I don't. :-) Happier things next time I hope!

Dear Adam...

...I rather like this new single of yours, but do you think for your next video, you could get a haircut? That would be really, really good.

Love,
Julie

And the status of my soul is...

I'm getting to the point at work where my soul is feeling extra dead (yeah, I need to take some time off...I haven't had a day off other than weekends since January). And lately I've become increasingly alarmed and disgusted by the American public and what feels like everyone's inability/unwillingness to accept responsibility for themselves. It's very hard to keep my end of the conversation professional when someone is yelling at me about how it's the company's fault that the sales representative who sold them their system failed to tell them about certain terms and conditions of their contract, even though said terms are printed in black and white right in front of their face. And I'm not talking about the fine print on the back, either. I get yelled at on a regular basis for things that are right on the front, usually in bold letters. When I ask these people if they read the contract, I often get the same answer: "NO I did not read it because I was trusting what YOUR representative told me!"

Ok. Here's the thing...I am all too aware that there is a reason why door to door salesman have the reputation that they do. Unfortunately, while there are many who are honest...there are probably more who are not. HOWEVER, having said that, I think that it is the customer's responsibility as a consumer to actually READ things before they sign them. And anyone who signs a big ole' legal-sized document without reading at least the front of it is a complete moron. I truly do find it appalling that people genuinely expect me to allow them to breach their contract without penalty on the grounds that they didn't bother to read it (I'd also like to point out that if they don't read it when they sign it, they have 3 business days after signing where they can cancel w/out penalty, so they have plenty of time to read it and cancel if they find something they don't like).

But I digress...back to my soul being dead. So the past few days at work I've been feeling extra discouraged by the stupidity of the American public. But today, I can assure you that a sliver of my soul is still alive and well, and hope remains that not every customer we have is an idiot. My co-worker was checking out some of our reviews online (after an escalated call in which a customer told him he'd found over 10,000 negative complaints about us online...yeah, we have around 450 w/the BBB, most of which have been resolved...), and he stumbled across this little gem on alarmsystemreviews.com, which truly made my freaking day:

I have been doing business with Platinum Protection for over two years now and have had nothing but professionalism from them. I've read some of these other reviews and have to think that most of the people who have complaints are those same people wondering where their Nigerian puppies and British Lottery winnings are.
Are you seriously upset because a company's CEO won't talk to you and listen to your rant? What CEO takes phone calls? You can't talk to ADT's, Monitronics', SAI's, Brink's or any other companies' executive level. Try calling Microsoft and asking for Bill Gates. He's not even the CEO and I bet you don't get to speak with him. Most CEO's hire people to take CS calls for them. They aren't secretaries, they have a specific job to do. Maybe the reason you can't talk to anyone beyond a supervisor is because unlike other companies where you have to be transferred to four to five differnet people before finding someone who can make a decision, Platinum trusts their reps and supervisors to uphold company policy AND serve their customers.
To the people that complain about the sales pitch: Be a grown-up and take responsibility for your actions. If you sign a contract without reading it then you're an idiot.
To the people who need some help with the CS department: I've never had a problem, mainly because I researched the equipment and read the contract. But on the rare occasion when I need service done I've had the pleasure of speaking with Christopher in the service department, Michael, Jared and Julie in customer service. All of these people represented themselves and their company extremely well.
Bad experiences are just mirrors of the way we treat the people around us. Were you professional, calm and speak with common courtesy, or did you yell, scream and swear, threatening lawsuits unless you get your way? If you did the latter than you were probably treated as hostile and given the base-line policy. Have any of you ever done their job, or worked in the food industry? I manage a restaurant, and I'm here to tell you people are jerks. It's like dealing with little kids all day. So the next time you call, remember the golden rule and treat the rep answering the phone like you want to be treated, I promise they will change your mind.

YES! An intelligent customer! Someone who understands the importance of being a responsible adult (Oh and yes, that "Julie" is me)! So thank you, anonymous poster with the positive review, you have restored a little bit of my faith in the American public.

A Bad Movie Sampler

So, my friend has recently started a blog critiquing the awful movies he watches (see Cinematic Casualty in my list of crazy bloggers...). I have been present for 3 out of the 4 he's reviewed thus far and have come to the realization that there really never will be a shortage of awful movies to write about. And every time you think you've found the worst movie ever, there will surely be another one that comes along to knock it out of first place. I'm grateful, because otherwise we'd never have things like Mystery Science Theater 3000 (which I enjoy tremendously) but I'm also horrified that people actually get funding and actors to make these pieces of junk.

Anyway, here's a taste of just a few that we've been watching lately (and if you haven't already, see the video I posted from Troll 2, which still ranks as #1 on my list of worst movies ever made)...

First we have the Wishmaster series (check out the Cinematic Casualty blog for a full review of I, III and IV...we're still working on finding II). If you ever have the opportunity to make a wish from a Djinn, be sure you have your attorney present to put it in writing, otherwise the result most likely will be the very loosest and most gruesome interpretation of what you actually requested. And you may be attacked by "scary" monsters not unlike this fella...

Uh, yeah. "RUN! IT'S A BUNCH OF BLOODY BONES THAT WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO OVERPOWER!" Horrifying.

Then we have The Curse of King Tut's Tomb." Unfortunately (cough cough), I wasn't able to see the end of this puppy due to having to work, but if I had to sum it up I'd say it's the worst Indiana Jones rip off I have ever seen. And the only one, really. But still, it was BAD.

And most recently..."WHAT ARE THOSE???" you're asking? Well, I will tell you. They're giant leeches, courtesy of the amazing studio that brought us Komodo vs. Cobra.

Tell me, if the Army was working with a bunch of scientists trying to make jumbo-corn in an effort to feed the world and decided to see if the same stuff that makes giant plants would work on animals, wouldn't it be more logical to try it on something more docile like, say, a bunny? Or a hamster? No. You'd be wrong. Apparently using a couple of highly venomous reptiles is a better idea. Geniuses.

......................

So there you have it. I will leave the actual reviewing to my friend, but if you're ever in the mood for some really horrible films, these definitely fit the bill. :-)